I am my mothers disappointment and my fathers dream.
I am the people around me and everything they've made me.
I am my brothers voice and my friends heart.
I am the people in my life, I am everything they need me to be.
In addition to all of the above, I am a caffeine addict and an artist. I am my own person because of all the people in my life. My name is Lily, and this is a story, its not about me, its about all the people who contributed to me. My mother. My Father. My brother. My friends. My teachers. Everyone whose ever touched a part of my life, and thus changed something in me forever, for better or perhaps for worse. I am who I am because of the people around me.
I am your words, I am your actions.
- Chapter. One.
“Dear god. I'm sorry. Please take me now.” I whispered to the quite darkness. I suppose its kind of crazy to talk to yourself, and disturbing to be asking for death to just please please take you out of your misery and come to take your soul. But then, what is sane these days anyway? The world has turned into a crazy place to be in. Have you been out in the streets lately, have you watched the news?
Death, death, death is all around us and right now more than anything I want it to be around me.
I've done is again, you see, I have disappointed her, I did something wrong, like I always do. I dont quite remember what it was, but I'm sure it was my fault. I pick myself off the floor and go to the bathroom to examine myself in the mirror. Between the mess of tangled hair and tear streaks running down my checks I can see my dead tired eyes, I try to smile at my reflection, its going to be okay, I manage to look like an escaped asylum patient, crazy doesn't even begin to describe it. Especially with this baggy now torn t-shirt I'm wearing.
My reflection winces, there's a bruise here and there I can see them, blue purple yellow colourful things running across my arm and some on my legs. I start undressing and get into the shower, its the best way to help with the pain you know, when your tears blend in with the running water, its a good place to hide as well, from the screaming I mean.
After the shower she's still there and despite all my praying so am I. She smiles, its not a nice thing to look at believe me, its more like a spiteful smile, then she speaks and I feel like heading back into the shower and drowning myself in water. If god wont take me I'll do it myself. Her voice interrupts my suicidal thoughts
“Why wont you ever learn? When are you going to grow up, I cant keep doing this, Im getting old. What is wrong with you! I would get you professional help but we both know how that ended up, your just unstable.”
She walks out, such a broken recorded, over and over again. Maybe I am insane? My mothers sure seems to think so. If I wasn't adopted id be wondering how the hell did I end up being her daughter, we're just so different.
I sigh and get dressed, crawl into bed, and take refuge in a book, so I dont have to deal with any of this mundane drama. After an hour or so I look at the clock its 8 o'clock, their probably having dinner right now, but I dont want to see them or talk to them or eat with them or smile at them or do anything that has anything to do with them. Im tired, Im angry and my muscles ache... my soul aches. I feel broken and I dont want them to see how they broke me so, Im staying in my room under my sheets, reading my book for some mental relief and wait for morning to come and wash away my sins with it. Or maybe morning wont come and my prayers will be answered.
--- I started this, and Ive been known to start things and never end them. I'm not sure what it is yet but I like it, and I hope I do finish it. Tell me what you think and your thoughts will be much appreciated.
Xx
