M&M Duels

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

Biology in a nutshell, can I also just add: I love this guy, he's made my day.

Hello Foreigner,

At times the world fits, and all is rationale. Then a hurricane of irrational dickheaded-ness leaves you amidst the colossal waste that is the human mind, think a little deeper and poof all meaning or rationale is lost.

Recently I have been accused of being a bit too “foreign”, I am not sure if I was foreign to the beliefs and ideologies of a whole nation or just the persons own beliefs and ideologies. Perhaps it was both, I tend to be wrong in more than way… or in this case “foreign”. I didn’t know nations had beliefs and ideologies, sand and forests don’t care about culture, so why do we tie our minds to a patch of earth we happen to be born on. I believe we are approaching an era where believe it or not, our thoughts are attached to our central nervous system- Oh god forbid.

Clinging to certain ideologies is understandable in an old world confined to its four walls, in this day an age however the walls are expanding and merging within one another. This is not the time to cling and defend old beliefs, rather its time to explore and improve on the existing, it is a time to start thinking beyond the confinement of our four walled boxes.

Do not attack the “foreign” I would rather have you question it.