Darkness,

In the darkness of my own exile I whispered, as if writing a letter in my head, a letter to no one really. Dear darkness, the words come out jagged, I have a confession to make, the words are fearless and defiant, all those times I pushed you away and kept you at the edge of my world I never realized how much of a friend you really were and I do apologize, the words come out apologetic.

Dear darkness, I want you to know, when I am scared I try to find you within myself and I take refugee like a coward.

You have encouraged my cowardice.

Now I just run, I run to you. I self-destruct just so I can be enveloped by, so I can become you.

Dear darkness, I have made you my saviour, and I shall repent all my sins and hide where the righteous cant find me and the light wont burn me.

Dear darkness, I always end up here, at this point in time, every time, running circles and triangles and squares around the same bare dark area I always come back to, at this point in time, every time, until time makes no sense anymore.

And everything I’ve ever done makes no sense, but its ok, the darkness makes sense.

Days.

195 days of you.

195 days of me.

195 days of us.

195 days of nothingness.

It feels like a fairy tale, it looks like a fairy tale.

It walks, talks, dances like a fairy tale.

Doesnt make it a fairy tale- Makes it a chicken.

Why do I dream of you?

Sometimes I think Im dreaming, and nothing is real. Like everything is just a shadow, and everything I see is just a figment of my subconscious mind, it moves so terribly fast and before you know it its all gone, a storm of colors and sounds knocking you off your feet or disorienting you so you dont know whats what or whose who or even who your meant to be, let alone who everyone else is and how they relate to you. Its just confusing, so much so that I find myself just wanting to detach because I dont feel like dealing with it.

Time for another post.

*waves* hello everyone! Or no one! Which seems to be the case most days... *sigh* oh vell!

So I am back at uni- happiness! I know such a nerd right? Dont hold it against me, Im cool too. Been running around from lectures to labs to the DR (Dissection room- I like saying DR cause it sounds so bloody cool!) its been hectic, but nice hectic like I can never get a chance to dwell on the emotional emptiness, the sucky part and all like the lost bullshit in between. I like that kind of hectic, I suppose its unhealthy? Drowning yourself in everything and nothing at the same time, but then most things are unhealthy, so whatever. Wait till next week, then I really wont have ANY time! Im gonna start gyming! Woooooo! Healthy-ness! Haha! And Im going to take up so volunteer work, and gonna start going through the process of getting my drivers license! Well thats the plan anyway, if I get lazy.... Well, I will disappoint myself then.

So what have I been up to these past few weeks? LETS SEE.

There was the whole traveling around thingy during the summer, but to be fair it was only a month, with the family, it was boring in a nice way until it became annoying in a not so nice way, that ended around mid august, thankfully. Then I was back in good old Riyadh, saw some people, avoided other people, the usual really, ramadan came and went with all its graceful glory! Good times. Then september rolled in, and before I knew it me and my brother were on a plane back to Eggland and a train back to Sheff-town! And here I am on my bed on a friday night with tissues everywhere because I have a flu! FRESHERS FLU! Well.. okay, maybe not freshers flu cause its already mid-oct, INNIT!? Lol. Some chavyness is exactly what this post was missing!

I've got some errands to run, gotta buy some stuff for the apt (glasses.. etc), canvas, a bong for Robert, a little one! Headphones for Alson annnnnnnddddd gotta slap some sense into a certain boy :D!

That is all for now, please keep refreshing for further updates, or not. Your choice Habibi! ;p

Away without the words,

There are some things I'd like to say,

Because you see, these words are wasting away,

In the night I stay awake, with thoughts of you all gone astray,

And these words... Their still wasting away as I think of you.

They say,

"Roses are red,

violets are blue."

Stupid love poems, they just wont do... Not for you.

More ridiculous bullshit, from even more retarded folk.

CAUTION: Very dark post, in an even darker mood.

- I must have a sign that says "Go ahead, walk all over me." I mean some people and their crap, always throwing it your way, you know. How they never call unless they want something or they put you on "limited profile" on facebook, or they remove you all together I mean- LAME! or hell they never so much as say hello for 3 months! When you use to spend all day with them! JUST BECAUSE IM A NICE PERSON IT DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN USE AND THROW AWAY WHENEVER YOU FUCKING FEEL LIKE IT! - End rant.

-I dont trust people who throw around the word "I love you" do you? I dont know, sounds like fake emotions to me. Pfft love, its a state of mind you throw yourself into willingly, kinda like getting high, at least when you sober up you can tell reality from illusion and when your being mind fucked, however willingly.


- If the greater good voted for love id vote for hate, fuck the greater good who are they to judge what is good. What if the greater good was to kill a bunch of orphans, their such a burden anyway, what if the "greater good" was just to get rid of them all. Save some money, some food, shit loads of whining and messed up adults. Does the greater "good" then become "evil"? Conclusion: We are the greater good therefore we are evil. Every man to himself right? How bout every 1000 or so selfish human beings to themselves, the orphans are fucked.

Genes?

What if we were genetically predispositioned to become our parents? Like some of us are predisposition with heart disease? Or type II diabetes? Under the right circumstances, if we dont work to change our "lifestyle" you could turn into your parents.
What if the reason history keeps repeating itself was not a failure to learn but an inability to change? If history keeps repeating itself, does history then cease to exist? Does our past become our future, more or less?

Most of your life, every decision you ever made or didn't make every action that drove you to be something better, every action you took or decided not to take, everything you are, everything that made you into who you are was already planned out within you, in those double-helixed little segments, within every cell, was a blue print of who you were meant to be just like it contained a blue print of what your suppose to look like and how you're meant to function, and no matter how much you tried to be someone else, you just couldn’t, because your "hard wired" that way. All those little bits of double helixed DNA wrapped up- commanding a life form.

Nothing becomes humanity, we are not special, and we are not unique, were not like bloody little snowflakes. We are just different versions of our parents, like they were a different version of their parents, none of us are original; humanity is not original. Everything is just "a copy of a copy of a copy" within and insomniac's reality, sad really.

Then there are those geniuses, those guys are just a genetic mutation, they were never meant to happen. They say all genius is crazy, their right. History is proof, Pythagoras the mathematical genius created his own religion where beans were the devil, yep, normal edible beans. They say Michelangelo the great artist had autism, John Nash another mathematician and a noble prize winner had schizophrenia.
Seems to become great, you have to be a little dysfunctional and insane.

Ultimate blue.

Lost between these shades of blue, and your eyes. Endless, free, and heartless.
Heres your life, watch it all flash in front of you.. everything you made, everything you stole, everything you loved and everything you hated. Everything... Nothing. Watch it all crash and burn, in the endless blue of the ocean.

Lost, forever out of reach.

And I dont know where it starts or if it ends, losing the threads of reality within your light. Where does it end? Does it end? Did it ever begin?


"If the world isn't turning,
Your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow
So take me don't leave me,
Baby, love will come through it's just waiting for you,
Well I stand at the crossroads,
Of highroads and lowroads,
And I got a feeling it's right..."

(double click to enlarge) 

"Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do."  - Pope John XXIII

Confessions of an insomniac.

- Im still bitter and I hate them all. Fuck forgiveness and good grace and being the fucking better person. I HATE THEM. There I said it: I hate their fucking guts and I dont even bloody care if they all just DIE suddenly. A7SAN.

- Im dreading next year cause I think I'll fail. 

- You know when I told you I loved you, I think I was slightly delusional. I dont know why I said it- Plead temporary insanity. 

- I ate your last cookie when you werent looking.

- I hate your fucking guts.

- I say I dont care, I say it all the time. I say it to myself, to the walls, to the sky, I say I dont care I scream it to myself and to the world: I DONT CARE. In the hope that repeating the statement will make it true.

- I want to keep you forever. 

- For once Im afraid of showing someone who I am, Im afraid they wont like it and that I'll lose them.

- Some days I want to cry and I dont even know why.

- Today you touched my arm and I swear I recoiled with actual fear for no reason at all.

- I hate summer vacations.

Theres something in his manner, a beautiful truth I cant find, hidden behind colourful masks and masquerades... he stands with his broken wings and his helpless smile, as if its a mistake he's done before but cant help but fall into again and again. Such sinful beauty he finds in her eyes, again and again, falling into this mistake, until darkness prevails where the light of her eyes die, they should have stretched on to eternity but eternity ended where they ended. 

Everything fades away into all these shades of chaos- even the light in her eyes. 

So heres our hero where we left him, broken wings on the cold wet ground of reality, broken and helplessly smiling.. What do you do when everything within you is slowly falling apart, either rusting away or slowly breaking and degenerating away into nothingness? 

Theres something in his manner, in his helpless smile, as if he lives to crash, hes self-destructing. 

Theres something in his manner, as if he knows truth will not lead him astray and love will never fail him.. 

Theres something in his manner, as if he knows nothing but is willing to take a chance on faith

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttt.

- Some people are such IDIOTS, why do I even bother with you? 

To the dearly confused,

All these questions where to go, what to do.. who to be lingering in the background of your life. Go on dear child, find your place in the world, amongst the faint of heart, the strong willed and all the lost souls in between. How are we to know our place if we can not even figure out who we are? So many question and self doubt when you cant decide wither your life even matters that much to yourself or the rest of the world. 

 To all those dear lost souls out there: Heres a bit of  advice from someone whose been kicked around often enough to know how it feels like to hit rock bottom with no way out. 

1- Forget who you are right now, and ask yourself, who do you want to be? What kind of person do you want to be? Close your eyes and picture that improved dream-like version of yourself. Now hang on to that picture. 

2- What do you want to do? Dont think about this one too much, whats the first thing that came into your head?  - Thats it, thats your answer. 

3- How badly do you want it? 

4- Make your decision and stick to it- No matter what! 

5- Whenever you feel you've lost hope- imagine that person you want to be.. 

I know this will seem a bit too... happy go luck, inspirational and in general very fairy tale like. But seriously, it does work. 

He makes me smile like an idiot.

Reporting from the capital of Saudi Arabia, Riyadh. Yes- I'm back in town, rejoice. Its been so good so far, 'cept for the lack of sleep and me turning into a borderline insomniac which is something that always seems to happen when Im back here, this time round its been better though. I wonder why... but who knows it might get worse and it usually does, such a pessimist, eh? Haha. 

I've taken up running recently, I like it a lot. Makes me feel better. I keep thinking about my exam results, kinda stressing out, like I know I wont fail for sure but I hope I dont loose my scholarship so I need to get a high percentage.. Oh well. 

This summers been good so far, Im happy with its progression, hehe. Hope it doesnt go downhill from here though. 

Some things have been made clear to me recently, things are starting to make sense, kinda makes things better in some really messed up way. I suppose its human nature to seek explanation, and now that I have it I feel like I can move on. But boy was I a ticking time bomb waiting to just explode in everyones face... Sigh. 

To them you are nothing but the disaster of their past. 

To yourself you are nothing but the disaster of the future. 

Destruction and heartache follows. Every time, every where, everyone. 

Stupid, breathless and selfless is where it all starts. And before you know it your life has been taken over by this sandstorm of emotional dreams. 

Perfection, perfection.. take me away in your arms. 

---- Until your heartbreaks, a million little pieces turning into dust. 

<|3

Person A and Person B:

Person A and person B are really good friends.
Person A develops a love interest in person B.
Person B is not interested.
Person A is rejected and crushed.
Person B feels guilty and is also crushed.
Person A and B have a falling out.
Person A and B fall in again.
Person A and B are friends again.
Person A and B become really good friends like they once were.
Person A and B meet persons C, D, E and F.
Person A becomes really good friends with them almost instantly.
Person B doesnt really like new people and needs time to feel comfortable.
Because person A becomes really good friends instantly and person B still keeps its distance persons C, D, E and F think person B doesnt like them.
Person A develops a love interest in person E.
Person A hooks up with person E.
Person A is distracted by this new found love thingy or whatever the hell it is.
Person B feels ignored by group.
Person B spends less and less time with group, cause their all couply.
Person B finds other people to hang out with and finds a good friend with person X.
Person B figures if person A missed it, it would come find it.
Person X agrees that person B should just let person A be.
Person A never comes to find person B.
Person X tells person B that it doesnt matter.
Person B is upset but understands person As situation.
Person A talks behind person Bs back, saying that person B is being antisocial and has problems.
Person A keeps talking about person Bs back, and is now saying person B is jealous of Person E.
Person A says that person B is an emotional retard.
Person B knows nothing.
Person B is still spending minimal time with person A and co because person B feels a bit weird around them.
Person B finds out.
Person B is pissed off.
Person A comes looking for person B one day when E and co are not around.
Person B tells Person A to fuck off.
Person A and B have a fight.
Person A apologizes.
Person B knows person A is just saying it and doesnt accept the apology.
Person B tells person A to fuck off yet again and walks off.

Conclusion:
Person X is hot.
Person A cant keep it in their pants.
And person B... well, doesnt care.

WAIT, What?

WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

WELCOME TO MY REALITY.

Where no one cares and no one cares that no one cares. Everyone is just THAT selfish. 

Where nice people are the idiots, the idiots are the jokers, the jokers are the adored ones and the adored ones are the most despised. 

This is a world ruled by selfish, SELFISH bastards. Who will laugh at your tears and kick you when your down.

HI.

Your stay with us is going to cost you your sanity. 

Cash or Card? 

Xx

P.S; I love all you blogger peoples <3

I am Jacks pharyngeal reflex.

Im tired. Im sick and tired of everyone and their love lives, its spring time and everyones in love. Everyones hormones are shooting up sky high, including my own I guess, these days I'm a hormonal mess of emotions, sometimes their ridiculously high and happy and I make myself puke, other times their low and angry and everyone else makes me puke. Its crazy I tell you, bipolar even.

I dont want to hear about you love life.

I dont want to be ditched for your love life.

I dont want to hear about my lack of a "love life". I know, more over I dont caaaare. 

I dont want a bloody love life.

You're all in love and happy, good for you, Im happy for you but could you just please keep it to yourselves? Much appreciated. I need to revise, I have exams. No time to dwell on anyones emotional state, much less my own! And this is all just making me dwell... sigh. 

The beginning.

I am my mothers disappointment and my fathers dream. 

I am the people around me and everything they've made me. 

I am my brothers voice and my friends heart.

I am the people in my life, I am everything they need me to be. 

In addition to all of the above, I am a caffeine addict and an artist. I am my own person because of all the people in my life. My name is Lily, and this is a story, its not about me, its about all the people who contributed to me. My mother. My Father. My brother. My friends. My teachers. Everyone whose ever touched a part of my life, and thus changed something in me forever, for better or perhaps for worse. I am who I am because of the people around me. 

I am your words, I am your actions.

- Chapter. One.

“Dear god. I'm sorry. Please take me now.” I whispered to the quite darkness. I suppose its kind of crazy to talk to yourself, and disturbing to be asking for death to just please please take you out of your misery and come to take your soul. But then, what is sane these days anyway? The world has turned into a crazy place to be in. Have you been out in the streets lately, have you watched the news? 

Death, death, death is all around us and right now more than anything I want it to be around me.

I've done is again, you see, I have disappointed her, I did something wrong, like I always do. I dont quite remember what it was, but I'm sure it was my fault. I pick myself off the floor and go to the bathroom to examine myself in the mirror. Between the mess of tangled hair and tear streaks running down my checks I can see my dead tired eyes, I try to smile at my reflection, its going to be okay, I manage to look like an escaped asylum patient, crazy doesn't even begin to describe it. Especially with this baggy now torn t-shirt I'm wearing. 

My reflection winces, there's a bruise here and there I can see them, blue purple yellow colourful things running across my arm and some on my legs. I start undressing and get into the shower, its the best way to help with the pain you know, when your tears blend in with the running water, its a good place to hide as well, from the screaming I mean. 

After the shower she's still there and despite all my praying so am I. She smiles, its not a nice thing to look at believe me, its more like a spiteful smile, then she speaks and I feel like heading back into the shower and drowning myself in water. If god wont take me I'll do it myself. Her voice interrupts my suicidal thoughts

“Why wont you ever learn? When are you going to grow up, I cant keep doing this, Im getting old. What is wrong with you! I would get you professional help but we both know how that ended up, your just unstable.” 

She walks out, such a broken recorded, over and over again. Maybe I am insane? My mothers sure seems to think so. If I wasn't adopted id be wondering how the hell did I end up being her daughter, we're just so different. 

I sigh and get dressed, crawl into bed, and take refuge in a book, so I dont have to deal with any of this mundane drama. After an hour or so I look at the clock its 8 o'clock, their probably having dinner right now, but I dont want to see them or talk to them or eat with them or smile at them or do anything that has anything to do with them. Im tired, Im angry and my muscles ache... my soul aches. I feel broken and I dont want them to see how they broke me so, Im staying in my room under my sheets, reading my book for some mental relief and wait for morning to come and wash away my sins with it. Or maybe morning wont come and my prayers will be answered. 

--- I started this, and Ive been known to start things and never end them. I'm not sure what it is yet but I like it, and I hope I do finish it. Tell me what you think and your thoughts will be much appreciated. 

Xx

Taboo?

I was meant to make a survey on the dating “scene” in my beloved flawed country Saudi, but seeing as my last post only got 3 people thinking, I decided to ask some people I actually knew what they thought about it. I got some interesting reactions, most are confused, like myself.

What is considered appropriate these days? I mean our generation doesnt resemble our parents, just like our parents generation didnt resemble their parents. I do believe we have evolved socially and in some ways deteriorated, or are approaching a dangerous level of shall we say “open-ness” the red line has to be drawn somewhere, I totally agree but it seems the red line hasnt been drawn with permanent ink, every generation erases the red line and places it where that generation thinks is appropriate. It seems that someday, there isnt going to be a red line anymore. 

What is the right thing to do these days? If there is such a thing! I've asked a couple of people and it seems the majority seems to think its okay this by itself took me by total surprise I was raised to think that it was evil itself! Everyone however had a certain criteria to what would make it ok, for one  it depended on the people involved, their age, everyone agreed that kids (ages 13 – 16) was totally unacceptable but more importantly it relied on their intentions. Are you looking for a serious relationship,one that will lead to marriage and the whole family thing? Or do you simply need someone in your life that cares about you and loves you, someone you could call your own? Or are you just a bored guy/girl messing around? 

To those who are looking for a serious relationship, think about the odds. Is there a chance that you might think of spending the rest of your life with this person, and more importantly would your parents approve of him or his parents approve of you? Because lets face it, your not going to elope and he sure as hell wont elope for you. I can understand why you would want to know the person you marry before you actually do marry them, but isnt that what the “khotba” period is for? But then again, khotba puts too much pressure and theres always that question lurking in the back of your head, what if no one else comes along? 

I've seen my parents, and their marriage isnt happy, ive seen other peoples parents too, they dont seem to be that ecstatic either, I know people who have gotten divorced after 1 year of  marriage, after 16 years of marriage, even the people who stay together do it for all the wrong reason. 

So, you see why most of todays youth want to take matters into their own hands, whether that is a good idea or not we cant tell that at the present time. 

Although one can look at the western culture, they encourage  young love, and the freedom to love whoever you want, or not. But that doesn't seem to have worked either, with high divorce rates and lots of teenage mothers... 

I think, the best thing to do is try to find some common ground between the two cultures, draw a red line with permanent ink. And dont be a hypocrite about it. 

Question:

As a Saudi (or Arab) guy  with a kind of open mindness (if you will), would you mind if a girl approached you because she liked you?  

So, its 7am, in the morning and I am absolutely wide awake. I tried sleeping, once, twice, three times by the forth time I just gave up on it made myself some DECAF coffee, I know what a traitor right? I mean, decaf shouldnt even be called coffee. 

So I made my fake coffee and sat down on my lovely little MAC comp and decided to actually do some work, I've been avoiding work for some time now, bad bad student, I know. I just didnt feel like it, and anyway, I'll be back in good ol' uni after easter and there will be no running from finals, nope. I am dreading finals, I cant do worse than last time, so whatever. 

I have 3 lectures left of one of my modules, I'm 2 weeks behind on another two modules and I'm done with one. Not bad considering all the slacking I've been doing, I'm just not stressing myself this term like I did last term, if I feel like studying I study, if I dont, then the hell with it, I dont study. 

... And I am blabbering on. Maybe I should go for a run or something, I dont know. 

All in all the day has just begun, screw sleep, who needs that fucker anyway. 

Yours truly,

Border line insomniac. 

x

I cant sleep. You've stolen my sleep.

The people we love end up haunting us for the rest of our lives, ghosts and flashing visions of what we chose to block out of memory because it just hurts too much to remember. An amazing human self defence mechanism, blocking out the memory of pain, loss and hate, so all that is left is the bruises and the tear stains on our pillows. Still, our subconscious remembers, its there in the back of your mind, that lingering sensation of pain, of love, of hate.. of insanity. Its all there, driving you to be a border line insomniac, because your thoughts wont let you dismiss their actions, because your thoughts remember the feeling, however vaguely, it still remembers and it just wont let you forget it fully.. and you just cant find peace. From sun down to sun up, your staring at the ceiling, hoping for sleep, for rest. 

No rest for the restless. 

No love for the unlovable.

I cant run away from you, wherever I go, your presence lingers. I cant turn my back on you, however way I try. Stop haunting me, I'm not that little hopeless kid anymore. 

The drugee hypothesis.

Yes, the “drugee” hypothesis. This may be my first real scientific observation ive made as a scientist well science student actually, hmmm… I didn’t think of it that way, makes this so much more fun.
A hypothesis refers to an explanation made from a general observation, and well, it’s a way cooler word than “theory”. The drugee hypothesis states that “every individual has a recreational activity/substance or a combination of both to which he or she are addicted to, the recreational activity/substance would be one that gives the individual a sense of happiness, or peace of mind. “
You are a drugee, yes, YOU. Of course the addictiveness of certain substances varies, none the less it is no less of an addiction. We all have our little drugs, those little things that get us through the day giving you a however brief sense of euphoria, that little piece of chocolate, that cup of coffee, that boy you flirt with, that high you get after a good work out.

Those are all just chemicals running through your blood, inducing that happy place in your brain. Endorphins, serotonin, adrenaline… their all stimulated for release from a certain stimulus in the environment, so you keep going back to those same activities/substances that make you happy by release of these “natural drugs” . That makes you a drugee. The actual drugs for instance let’s take cocaine, they stimulated more neurotransmitter release (endorphins, serotonin…) and a faster reuptake rate, and so they keep stimulating your neurons (sounds dirty). The way drugs act on the brain was actually the reason scientist found these “natural drugs” they assumed the existence of opiate receptors in the brain which drugs like heroine acted upon- don’t you ever say no good thing can come out of bad things.

So, what is your drug of choice?

Unbalanced

She stares blindly into space, seeing but not really seeing. Figures walk around her blurry, colours are bland, its not real its like a painting done by a delusional artist, beautiful enough with out all the boring details. Shes playing with the chopstick in her hand, round and round, staring and staring, she splits the wooden chopstick, still staring blindly, seeing but not really seeing. She looks at the chopstick in her hand, “unbalanced” * in her head shes laughing at herself “unbalanced” oh the chopsticks have no idea how “unbalanced” she really is, their a silly smile playing on her lips and a kind of crazy spark in her eyes. Her eyes finally meet the eyes of the person siting patiently in front of her, their tired, no spark, just wrinkles on brown sun kissed skin. 

“So?” He knows. She continues to stare. 

“So.” Its the answer and the question. Isnt the human mind beautiful? 

She shifts her gaze and looks away, he is breaking into a million little pieces and she, for the life of her, could not bring herself to give him what he needed, reassurance. How could she? When she had none of it to offer, reassurance was not her reality nor was it his and lies would only make it worse than it already is. Still, even if it a lie. They want it. Reassurance. 

She stares at her chopsticks, unbalanced. She sighs, wishing the universe would tell her something useful. Unbalanced. 

*(its a Chinese belief that if you break your chopsticks and they dont break evenly or cleanly that your life is unbalanced )

What if?

She smiles at him, it’s a soft shy smile “Where’s your heart boy?”
He lifts an eyebrow and grins “why, you should know.”
She gives him a smile that melts his heart away “I should?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He’s five, he’s gazing up at the sky in wonder, what is up there? Does the sky end? He’s five and he wants to know things. He’s five and he wants to know everything.
He’s 30 and still he knows nothing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She’s lying on her bed, she is turning 19 soon, she types away on her pink laptop, she likes the pink laptop.
She types and types, and she loves her words, they are a part of her. She writes and writes… until the words lose their meaning and fade away, until she is exhausted by thought and is taken away by sleep into a land of dreams.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There’s a bottle broken on his arm, blood is pouring out, red warm blood pouring down, flowing down his arm in a somewhat soothing way. Tears streaming down his face, he deserves it. He is 17 and he deserves it.
Screaming comes from their room, he knows what will happen next. He tried to stop it… he tried. More screaming, he runs, runs, and runs. Blood stains on his jeans, on his shirt… on his life, his worthless life.

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What if we could see glimpses of others lives? What if we could see how much they suffered, loved, hated, achieved…
What if we could not only see but feel. What if our lives were interwind? What if we were all connected? What if we could share our life?

Maybe then we’d act a little more human. Maybe then we’d understand what it is were meant to do or who were meant to be. Maybe by seeing these little glimpses of reality falling apart or together we’d finally be able to understand our own short comings.
… What if eh?

You and your bloody addictive lies.

Somewhere, beneath the starry ski, between stormy seas and fiery earth life lies lost. Searching for answers and seeking truth, always seeking truth, what do we do when all these lies become our lives?
And all our lives revolve around deceit. Lies, big fat amusing lies… addictive lies.
Shadows in the dark background of deceit, whispering cold dark twisted lies, lies… addictive lies.

We claim, we say, we shout, we cry, we scream, we fight because we say we want to hear the truth, the truth, a truth we already have buried deep inside of us, embedded in our souls.
You want to know the truth? The truth behind life? The truth behind yourself? You run from the truth like it’s the plague. You deny the truth at every corner, you couldn’t tell what the truth was if it was there dancing in front of you in a bright fucking chicken suite. Even if you saw the truth, you will run, just like you run every time, just like everyone else. You will run, run and then lie some more. Lies lies lies, addictive bloody lies.

Lie until we cant sleep. Lie until our lies keep us awake at night, haunting us. Lies lies lies you and your lies.
Bullshit, my own life is full of lies. And I know it, but do you know it?
Funny thing is I know when im being lied to but I will accept the lie rather than the truth. Cause its easier for me to do that, than face the truth. Im a coward. There you go, thats some truth for you right there: I am a coward.


Im starting to think I should put maybe a little more effort in writing my posts, mmmm, maybe then I'd get some comments eh?

When you need inspiration..

Inspiration.

Oh ho ho hoe.. hoe! Omg! HOE.

- Haha, I was thinking that in my head it sounded funny. HOE. LOL!

- Faaaaaat. FAT. I'm like a big blob of FAT walking around, ew. It makes me feel ugly, me no likey.

- Supernatural has TAKEN over my LIFE. I love dean, dean is awesome. Dean is also a hottie.

- What do I do with you lover boy?

- Lies, lies, liessss... Addictive lies.

- The weather has been lovely, so sunny and beautiful.

- Sleep, food, work, supernatural, food, supernatural, work, supernatural, sleep.

- I dont get you.

- Do I like you? I dont think so.

- Lonely. Im miss lonely. And you cant save me from my loneliness.

- One day, I will be the person I want to be. I wont be lazy, I wont be fat, I will do amazingly well in school, I wont want to be someone else, I wont have ridiculous mood swings, I wont trip on flat surfaces and be laughed at, one day I will be my version of perfect.

- *sigh*

- I still dont get you.

- NO NINE AM LECTURES, REJOICE!

- bye.

Operah debate about Chris and Rihanna.

Really? I mean, REALLY?! As if there arent more important things to debate.

*sigh*
Stupid world.


I've been feeling really down lately, just tired of everything and in need of a break but cant afford it... I dont know whats wrong with me to be honest.

Sure its all rainbows, sunshine and whatever the fuck this happy high has got you on.

What?
WHAT?

Did you have to write it in bold?
Did you have to say it out loud?
Did you have to.. make it real?

Leave me hidding behind the colours of my books and my dreams.

Did you have to write it in bold?
Did you have to say it out loud?
Did you have to... kill my dreams?

"Tell me that you want to dance,
I want to feel your pulse on mine,
You treat me like a stolen glance..
To yourself." ~ The Golden Floor - Snow Patrol

... So, take me to the Golden Floor?

Sweetness

Emptiness is my savior
Tears are my laughter
Lies are my truth

Breathing becomes a little harder and I’m chocking inside, wondering how these shades of white turned to gray and then faded away. Wondering what i lost myself to and how I faded away..

Sweet nothingness that amounts to nothing, you’ve crushed my dreams and turned them to dust, lost in a summer breeze…

Sweet love that breaks me, sweet heart that creeps under my skin… a sweetness that becomes a part of me, until I cannot remember how I survived without it, until I cannot imagine a time it wouldn’t be there.

Sweet goodbyes. Kiss me, breathe life into me one last time? Sweet goodbyes, tearing my skin. Sweet goodbye, won’t you stop haunting my dreams? And I never thought, sweetness would be so bitter.

Run..

The lights flashed around her, as she ran. Brilliant white, blue, beautiful colored lights, fading into her as she ran. She didn’t know nor did she care where the lights took her or how badly they blinded her all she wanted to do was run. Away from him, away from them, away from herself.

A few miles, a few hours, a few minutes, a few seconds. Her feet stumbled, upon a gray patch of grass, her body sunk deep into it. Breathing hard, shallow breaths. She looks up at the dark sky, a reflection of disaster in her pale eyes, on her white skin, beneath her cold heart.

A memory imprinted beneath the layers of her skin, sinking deep within her

Imperfect perfection

I was drawing something, and I drew it too neatly, which made it look horrible! Nature is messy. Imperfect. Which actually makes it perfect and beautiful.

So,
Maybe we're not meant to be perfect..

Mmm, just wanted to share the random crazy-ness.
x

Meehhh..

Sometimes I think the world has gone insane, those are the times when I realize that the things people kept warning you about actually did happen, well okay, maybe the world isn’t insane, maybe your just an idiot for not seeing it coming, right? But honestly, how could I have foreseen this apparent madness? Don’t answer that. I walk around with my eyes looking up at the sky, dreaming, mostly I am unaware of anything that might be happening/developing around me. I should learn to pay more attention really.

It’s just… boy do I whine a lot, so bear with me here. I think I’ve lost a part of myself, that cared you know? I use to have more patience with people, give them chances because I know I wouldn’t want them to give up on me either, but now, I just really cannot be bothered by all this mundane bullshit, and the excuses! I just don’t care anymore. Seriously, whatever. Love me, hate me, despise me, like me… fuck you, whatever. I mean, these humans, with like all their disgusting emotions, and all their betrayal. And the way they play with your emotions, I’m not a bloody puppet! Making me come and go as you please. Arrrgh, Im so ANGRY, I feel like punching someone! I need to run, but its like 3am... So, no.

I know I’ll feel better in a few days, and I’ll be reading this over and thinking, what am I even SAYING?

One more thing! I’m not praying :S I’ve fallen back into bad habits!! Yl3an abu eblees! 7ata 7a6ait my phones background picture el kab3a, bas 3ashan I remember… it helps a little you know. Eywa, today one of my Jordanian friends saw it and started laughing, laughing at the kab3a! I was going to slap him, fucking idiot.

Empty pages, empty of life.
Empty eyes, empty of dreams.
Beauty lies beneath shadows, under layers of hate.
And before you know it your life turns into a disgusting shade of grey.

Do we all search for a vision of love, beneath pink skies? Or are we all lost and engulfed in black? Are we going to find anyone to call our own? Or our will we have to face this darkness alone, forever?
Then the liars come, with their lies, and their false hope.

Somewhere beyond the rainbow, across a ray of sushine,
I know a girl with golden hair, and violet eyes, I know her.
I know a shadow that lingers within her, it over takes her, I know her...
We are one. She knows better, she accepts the cold truth.

Here and there.. pretty much everywhere really!

So yeah! Exams are over and done with! good stuff, good stuff!! These past two weeks have been sort of stressful, all nighters and what not, that one physiology exam got me all crazy I couldnt sleep all night was just lying in bed, revising in my head it was driving me mad! I didnt even do very well on that exam!
One thing I've learned from exams is to trust your first instinct, never question your first impression of something or someone! Always go with it, cause its the right one, honestly! It was crazy cause like all my exams are multiple questions, so I read it once, read the answers than go like, yeah! Its B! ... No, wait, it could be D.... or A for that matter... and then I'm just like "Bloody fucking hell, whaT?!" And then, I find out it was actually B!
I'm pretty sure theres a scientific explanation for this! And when I learn it, I will be sure to post about it, not that anyone would care but myself really. All those long nights of revision have taken a tool on me! I keep turning medical biological info into funny/perverted things! Its quite amusing really, me and my friends were discussing Viagra and its effects in the library, we were quite loud, so we got these weird looks, we werent on the medics and science floor, so that must have been it, haha!

Tonight we went out, usualy I dont like going out to bars and whatever, its just not my thing, I stand there feeling just awkward and out of place! But I really wanted to unwind and have a bit of fun, and since all my good friends were going, and they all knew I didnt drink it was kinda okay? Yeah well anyway, I had a good time laughing and doing some stupid things! Got some virgin drinks, some chocolaty thingy which tasted amazzzziiingggg!!!!! Got a bit of a sugar high after that! Good times! Ahhh!!

Tomorrow I will be going to london for a few days, since my second semester doesnt start until the 9th of feb. I am in need of some serious retail therapy! Honestlyyyyy!! I am going to go shopping, and be a tourist! AND JUST CHILL GODDAMIT!
Life is good, good friends, good times!

On Politics?

I don’t like to speak of politics, because I do not fully understand it, I am ashamed to say I am quite ignorant when it comes to politics, I don’t want to say anything or base an opinion because I cannot do that without first understanding it fully then I would be able to judge it. But it seems the world thinks differently, people only know little and yet they scream murder at whoever they deem as evil, they ignore the call of the weak, they believe whatever they are told, they do not bother to question: What? How? Why?
That of course is ignorance. I suffer from it too, but at the very least I admit I do and I don’t go around accusing people of certain things. While I was wasting much time procrastinating on facebook, I came across this horrible group that aided Israel against Palestine, or should I say Gazza, since one member so rudely said:
“what is Palestine? It doesn’t exist you idiot… it’s like oz.”
Clearly this person is an idiot of sorts, because Israel was only founded in 1948, what pray tell existed before that? This of course is an example of history somehow seems to turn to legend. Anyway, I joined this group and wrote on their wall, I was not mean and I did not shout insults (even though this lot needed someone to not only shout insults but slap them) I wanted them to brush up on their history since they clearly needed it, I wrote:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jan/07/gaza-israel-palestine
He’s one of your own. Read it.

Five minutes later I discover my post has been deleted, not only are these people ignorant they also refuse to be educated, which is way worse if you ask me! And as I looked through this group I also noticed the things they said about muslims not respecting their own religion, their own beliefs. That just made me ashamed of myself, for it is true, and I’ve seen it.

I don’t wish to call the Israelis names, swear at them or curse them. Because simply, our religion taught us better and we should know better, we have no one to blame but ourselves for what is going on in Gazza. Don’t tell me I cannot do anything, you can be a better Muslim, you can show the world how we truly are and that we respect others, we respect ourselves, we respect our religion.

"I cannot live through you again."

I close my eyes, searching for a vision of faith,
And I can see you there, with eyes like a dying star,
Trapping me in their beauty,

and I lose myself
All over again,
I lose myself, in you
I lose my soul to you
You move through me, a stormy night, raging within me.
Whisper in your ear as you reign over me,
“I cannot live through you again.”

I open my eyes,
to a dull reality where you are dead and I am dying
Everything is lost, within their hopes
Nothing left but the burning green sun,
The purple sky
The grey earth

And, desperately, we hold on to pieces of ourselves
Even as the pieces dig into our skin,
Even as our soul begins to bleed.

---
These days I dont really like the person I'm turning into. Parts of me are well... decaying.

Potter fan all the way baby! Twiligh, shwilight!

"You are the true master of death, because the true master does not seek to run away from death. He accepts that he must die and understands that there are far, far worse things in the living world than dying." - Dumbledore to Harry

I bet you, in all four books of twilight that you will not find a sentence with such wisdom and beauty. The potter books are not only well written, but there is true genius in them! How the whole story fits so perfectly together, how the mystery just unravels itself within the pages, is just simple pure genius.

The complex story of Harry Potters life, and how he came to be what he is, how he destroyed his mortal enemy, is just so amazing that even if I read the book 1000 times I will still feel the amazement I felt the first time I read it. The story doesn’t only show how courage can overcome all things, how with sheer will you can defeat anything but it also shows how love can indeed conquer all. It shows love as a form of magic that is the highest level of power, that which no one can destroy. A force that is powerful enough to protect you from anything that means you harm.

"Is it love again?" said Voldemort, his snake face jeering. "Dumbledore's favorite solution, love, which he claimed conquered death...."

Harry escapes Lord Voldemort when he was just a baby, the killing curse which was meant to kill the infant Harry backfired and killed Voldemort instead. In one of the books, Dumbledore explains this, he says that because Harry's mother loved him so much that she gave his life to protect him, Voldemort could not touch harry as long as Lily's blood was in his veins. He then goes on to say that it is the most ancient kind of magic.

Love is one important topic J.K Rowling highlights in the book, another is racism. Yes, the book talks about racism within the magical community, where there are “pure-bloods” and “mud-bloods” it shows how there is discrimination between the two. To all you non-potter readers let me explain, one is considered a “pure-blood” if one comes from a long line of witches and wizards a “mud-blood” is a person who has no magical ancestry but somehow does have magic in their blood or someone who is half and half (meaning one parent only has magical abilities).
Here is a simple quote by (of course non other than my favorite wizard) Albus Dumbledore:

“You place too much importance... on the so-called purity of blood! You fail to recognize that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be!”

To say that Twilight, is a much better book that Harry Potter, is just offensive and ignorant. Not only did J.K Rowling manage to create a world of her own, that also fits with reality but she also gave us all a lesson about, courage to do the right thing even if it means dying, loyalty to stand by your friends and to what you believe in, and in love.

Now, it is my belief that the best parent is a book, the harry potter books are the best education in life one can give a child.

I will leave you with a few quotes from the books:

Albus Dumbledore
“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”
“It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.”
“Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy”

Sirius Black

“If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals”

"Kreacher is cleaning," the elf repeated. "Kreacher lives to serve the noble house of Black--" "
--and it's getting blacker every day, it's filthy," said Sirius.

Fred and George Weasley (My favorite characters, they make me laugh so much!)

"So top grade's O for 'Outstanding,'" she [Hermione] was saying, "and then there's A-"
"No, E," George corrected her, "E for 'Exceeds Expectations.' And I've always thought Fred and I should've got E in everything, because we exceeded expectations just by turning up for the exams."
"You're a prefect? Oh Ronnie! That's everyone in the family!" [Molly Weasley]
"What are Fred and I? Next door neighbours?!"

P.S;
This ones for Taq ;)

Desert

Her bare feet burned footsteps into the white sand. There she goes, marking the world with her presence. Her eyes wander her raging orange skies, the dust manifests into some imitation of life, and it rises before her. A faint smile plays on her lips as the particles of dust scratch her face and irritate her skin, scraping the surface, merely scraping the surface.

She continued walking through the great dunes of sand, lost in her desert of loneliness, passersby in caravans did not stop and the hooded lean figures ridding beautiful Arabian horses rushed past her, through her, like she did not even exist.
She lives in this desert she created around herself, she loves this desert where she is alone with herself, and despite its burning sun and its sand storms… it is hers.

Do you have a desert?

Greetings, fellow... erm, earthlings.

So yeah, first post, woho!
New year, new blog! Can you feel the excitement?! Electrocuting the air around us, can you hear it buzz with agony!? Ahh, I myself can barely handle the excitement! My goodness!
2009, smashing!

May this year bring us all closer together with our loved ones, and further away from those who... well, we dont love... or really actually even like come to that.

Yours,
Philyra
(for those of you who dont know what "Philyra" means, google it you ignorant imbeciles!)