I embodied a girl, full of sunlight

She loved freely and threw all her caution to the wind

I dismembered a girl full of silence

She hated freely and had no more caution to throw

All that remained of her was silence, a silence she hid in, a silence she came to love.

Something or nothing- Part 3

Flashback:
The skies were ablaze, red hot, white in anger and blinding. The road was paved with the sweet colour of disappointment, bones of the past on either side, marking the borders, and borders were never to be crossed.
Her eyes saw the raging sea beneath, and her body reacted with longing. To be hiding under the waves, chocked by salt and drowning. She stood still, her brown dress flowing cautiously with the wind, her feet touching the dry bones lining the borderlines.
Before she even knew it, she was running towards the edge, crossing the borderline with no second thought, and flying into the welcoming sea beneath. There was a moment, she was suspended within the skies, it seemed. The rage within them calmed the rage within her.
Cold overtook, and her breath gave away. Darkness overthrew and her spirit gave way.
Sweat, on her forehead, under her arms, everywhere. Her eyes flew open, wide-awake, and alert. The moonlight poured in from the small opening that could hardly be called a window, it painted the white padded room with different shades of gray. The wind outside was fierce, scowling and threatening.
Her dreams were scattered, all bits and pieces of some far memory or some face that meant something. This was no different; she had flung herself over a cliff once or twice…
She sat still, staring at the white ceiling, counting the cracks until she sleep took her again.


Blue couch, white washed walls, colours that are meant to calm. All scientifically proven of course, it’ll take more than just colours to clam the insane. Doctor Cashtener sat in a chair across from her. He smiled, she only gave him a blank expressionless face to greet.
“So, tell me about these dreams Violet?” concern.
“I don’t want to talk about them.” hate.
“Do they scare you?” surprise.
“No.” Uncertainty
“What is it then?” more concern
Violet just smiled back, mockingly.
“I know you’ve been having nightmares since you arrived. The nurses hear you every night, screaming for-“
“MICHEAL.” More screaming.
“Yes, Michael.” He could see the emotions, vigorous, directing the muscles on her face, shame and despair.
“Micheal..” she lowered her eyes. Shame.
“Who is Micheal?” he asked her softly
“Sand.”
The word drifted in the darkness of her silence.
“Sand. Soft white sand, I want to bury myself in it. I want to hide underneath the ocean…” but she could only hide in the corners of her dopamine enhanced mind.
He sighed
“night, night.. here comes night. I hate the night, the nights were always the worse. Always.” She whimpered.
It was day. But there was no use trying to tell her that, she was gone… for now.
“Violet, where are you?”
“Wheres anyone… In the middle of the ocean, on a little sinking ship, in the ocean, in the ocean.”
“Violet-”
“DON’T CALL ME THAT!”
Rage.
“DON’T YOU DARE EVER THINK I WONT FIND OUT, DON’T EVER THINK YOU CAN TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME! I WILL FIND YOU! YOU ARROGANT SON OF A-”
“Take who?”
She made a wild gesture at him, restraints caught her midway through the movement and the laws of physics caught up with her and pushed her backwards. They came in and took her away. Her voice killed the hallow silence and bounced off the green walls of the facility.
“DON’T TAKE ME THERE, NOT THE HOUSE ON THE HILL…”
“Not that house on a haunted hill” hysterical laughter


Jasper shuffled his feet, right and left, anxiety was taking over. Pale white blue like light drowned his office, it spilled over the books, and painted the walls. Everything looked dull and dead under the dying evening sun, even the countryside looked white washed outside of his window.
His eyes traced the even lines on the documents laying demandingly on his table, along with another high stack of patient files.
There was a recognizable knock on his door, his secretary walked in holding a light blue folder, another comforting colour. She smiled, not so comforting.

“Dr. Cashtener, I need you to sign these papers, please?” She said this with her not so comforting smile held in place.

Something or nothing- Part 2

Cardboard. That’s how it felt like, do they ever mention that you start forgetting simple words as your life wastes away and your cells refuse to renew properly, nope. No one mentioned you’d forget simple words, guess that is the way of the universe.
The cardboard was actually in his hands, he was holding it up, the elegantly handmade sign- anything handmade makes it automatically elegant, that too is the way of the universe… or marketing executives? Anyway, the sign read “F you.”
Cash stood there with the cardboard sign, elegantly handmade, smiling in what he hoped was a welcoming “I’m a poor old man” smile. He swallowed some pills, his white gems, they helped with the headaches and the world.

A girl with a pierced face walked by, read the sign and laughed then continued on her way, perhaps to get more holes. Cash loved sitting there for the entire afternoon observing the reactions of people, their faces twisted either in disgust or in a smile, a psychology experiment if you will. He would know, he preached the subject to both students and patients alike, the students appreciate it, the patience however didn’t see the sense in it, they didn’t see much sense in anything though. As the years passed by him, and his body degenerated he didn’t see the sense in it either, yes, maybe along with his body his brain had decided to degenerated as well, maybe.
He continued to linger on the side of the pavement, “F you, f you.. f f f f f f F yoooouuuu…” He sang under his breath, swinging from one foot to the other slightly losing his balance.
“F you” meant nothing, he wasn’t swearing, passers by were to interpret it in anyway their narrow minds wished. He could see that most saw it as an offensive statement, it’s a letter next to a word, and it meant nothing. People take things that mean essentially nothing and somehow manage to twist the nothingness around into some sort of insult and play victim. And more than anything people just love playing victim.

“Mister. Hey! Mister!” a little girl smiled, it looked fake and plastered.
“Hello child,” He smiled back at her fake-ness.
“Why?” she asked, fake plastic sing song voice.
“Because.” He answered in a mimicking fake plastic sing song tone.
“Because the world is self-destructing?” there were three of her now,
“No because we’re pushing the “blow it all to fucking pieces” button child,” He laughed,

The world swung into focus now, like an HD TV.
“What? Because? I mean why are you holding up this sign… What does it mean? Do you want money? Are you homeless mister?” The child looked confused,
“Well, why not kid?” He smiled down at her. An angry mother grabbed the child and took her away, perhaps to dose her up with dreams and fairytales. Perhaps.

Cash put the cardboard on the floor kneeled down and wrote, “Make of it what you will.” In what he hoped was wise-all-knowing type of handwriting. He then taped to a display window, laughing at his own madness, a 47 year and 5 months old man dressed in a suit and tie hanging up a piece of wisdom on a cardboard.
If you drove past the river island on Central Street you would read “F YOU. Make of it what you will.” Wasted wisdom on humanity really, Cash shrugged, most things were wasted on humanity.

Cash proceeded to cross the street while the little green man flashed at him, he then stood at the middle of the cross roads and bowed to the cars facing him, thank you for providing me with such entertainment. He smiled at the little boy clapping in the car in front of him, and walked, blending into the crowed of mayhem. A respectable businessman, just another normal old guy in a crowed of normal boring people.

Something or nothing- Part 1

Steady now, your footsteps are falling heavy on the aching ground and I can hear your strained breaths under a breaking spirit. She smiles at his indifference, ironic after all the times he tried to convince her otherwise.

Flash back:
An old haunted road, one Victorian house. They were seated in an old ford, the blue washed away to grey, the seating cracked and broken.
“this is it?” his voice was as haunting as their surroundings
“yes” she looked into his dull eyes, they bored her.
“So, what now?”
Simple as a question might come but in this situation she couldn’t… Wouldn’t answer. Answering would mean taking responsibility for the actions that came. And everyone hated responsibility.

She heard the car door gently close behind him, she did not follow, she sat there trying to steady herself; She sat there trying to remind herself of herself. The string of events that brought them to this moment, although surprising were somehow expected, like something she’d seen before in a dream. With aching movements she got out of the car and stood next to him, then she was in his arms.
“Hello house on a haunted hill.” An insane smile played on her lips. Who cared about taking responsibility for your actions? Lets just be reckless, we’ll laugh at the wreck after we’ve created it.

Real time:
His emotions were running away from him, getting ahead of him and wreaking havoc. He blamed the pills, he could blame them for everything really. They make his worthless life feel responsibility-free.
He looked at the little orange bottle and smirked, shaking it, watching the little white gems moving left and right… left and right..
The world decided to spin on him that moment, Lucy, where was Lucy?
“luccceee… Luceee…” the words came out broken
static was filling up his head now, pain, pain, pain… Hello intolerable pain, he laughed manically and it seemed like a distant voice, not his own.
A white angel with red flaming hair guided him to something soft, he smiled in gratitude, the angel with flaming red hair placed something small in his sweaty palm. Her blurry white shadow came closer, heated words blew up in his consciousness
“Take your damn pills, old man.”
Feisty red headed angel, or devil, can’t really tell anymore. Is there much of a difference anyway?

Ahhh! To be young and stupidly, ridiculously, helplessly in love, or confused, whichever,

Has anyone noticed that all the Disney princess find their princes when they were 16, honestly they were all 16.

I guess our ship has sailed, ey?

I guess its that “we believe in everything pure” age, isn’t it? Kind of? Its that age where your in the inbetween, when your halfway grown up but not quite, when you still see the best in everything without having to try. It’s the age when your holding on to the last scraps of truth you think you have, you believe in love most importantly you believe that love can in fact conquer all, and with that believe you conquer all. All it really takes is this unwavering resilient belief in the devine and then everything else follows, or you will force it to follow with pure belief.

Those 16 year olds don’t really think about the future, they don’t think love will fail them, their not really afraid of getting hurt cause they’ve never really experienced heart break. Whats money, financial security, family issues? Its a lot to us but not much to them, they’ve never been poor or close to poor.

Stupid 16 year-olds and their stupid strong spirited uncrushed nature. Having lasting love lives, well most of you anyway…

I swear I have like 3 friends that I can remember off the top of my head that met their better half around the age of 16, and guess what, were all 20 now and they are still together MASHALLAH.

Maybe we should start thinking like foolish 16 year olds? Just a thought.

Oh yes, and a very happy new year to everyone.

Darkness,

In the darkness of my own exile I whispered, as if writing a letter in my head, a letter to no one really. Dear darkness, the words come out jagged, I have a confession to make, the words are fearless and defiant, all those times I pushed you away and kept you at the edge of my world I never realized how much of a friend you really were and I do apologize, the words come out apologetic.

Dear darkness, I want you to know, when I am scared I try to find you within myself and I take refugee like a coward.

You have encouraged my cowardice.

Now I just run, I run to you. I self-destruct just so I can be enveloped by, so I can become you.

Dear darkness, I have made you my saviour, and I shall repent all my sins and hide where the righteous cant find me and the light wont burn me.

Dear darkness, I always end up here, at this point in time, every time, running circles and triangles and squares around the same bare dark area I always come back to, at this point in time, every time, until time makes no sense anymore.

And everything I’ve ever done makes no sense, but its ok, the darkness makes sense.

Away without the words,

There are some things I'd like to say,

Because you see, these words are wasting away,

In the night I stay awake, with thoughts of you all gone astray,

And these words... Their still wasting away as I think of you.

They say,

"Roses are red,

violets are blue."

Stupid love poems, they just wont do... Not for you.

Ultimate blue.

Lost between these shades of blue, and your eyes. Endless, free, and heartless.
Heres your life, watch it all flash in front of you.. everything you made, everything you stole, everything you loved and everything you hated. Everything... Nothing. Watch it all crash and burn, in the endless blue of the ocean.

Lost, forever out of reach.

And I dont know where it starts or if it ends, losing the threads of reality within your light. Where does it end? Does it end? Did it ever begin?


"If the world isn't turning,
Your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow
So take me don't leave me,
Baby, love will come through it's just waiting for you,
Well I stand at the crossroads,
Of highroads and lowroads,
And I got a feeling it's right..."

Theres something in his manner, a beautiful truth I cant find, hidden behind colourful masks and masquerades... he stands with his broken wings and his helpless smile, as if its a mistake he's done before but cant help but fall into again and again. Such sinful beauty he finds in her eyes, again and again, falling into this mistake, until darkness prevails where the light of her eyes die, they should have stretched on to eternity but eternity ended where they ended. 

Everything fades away into all these shades of chaos- even the light in her eyes. 

So heres our hero where we left him, broken wings on the cold wet ground of reality, broken and helplessly smiling.. What do you do when everything within you is slowly falling apart, either rusting away or slowly breaking and degenerating away into nothingness? 

Theres something in his manner, in his helpless smile, as if he lives to crash, hes self-destructing. 

Theres something in his manner, as if he knows truth will not lead him astray and love will never fail him.. 

Theres something in his manner, as if he knows nothing but is willing to take a chance on faith

To them you are nothing but the disaster of their past. 

To yourself you are nothing but the disaster of the future. 

Destruction and heartache follows. Every time, every where, everyone. 

Stupid, breathless and selfless is where it all starts. And before you know it your life has been taken over by this sandstorm of emotional dreams. 

Perfection, perfection.. take me away in your arms. 

---- Until your heartbreaks, a million little pieces turning into dust. 

<|3

The beginning.

I am my mothers disappointment and my fathers dream. 

I am the people around me and everything they've made me. 

I am my brothers voice and my friends heart.

I am the people in my life, I am everything they need me to be. 

In addition to all of the above, I am a caffeine addict and an artist. I am my own person because of all the people in my life. My name is Lily, and this is a story, its not about me, its about all the people who contributed to me. My mother. My Father. My brother. My friends. My teachers. Everyone whose ever touched a part of my life, and thus changed something in me forever, for better or perhaps for worse. I am who I am because of the people around me. 

I am your words, I am your actions.

- Chapter. One.

“Dear god. I'm sorry. Please take me now.” I whispered to the quite darkness. I suppose its kind of crazy to talk to yourself, and disturbing to be asking for death to just please please take you out of your misery and come to take your soul. But then, what is sane these days anyway? The world has turned into a crazy place to be in. Have you been out in the streets lately, have you watched the news? 

Death, death, death is all around us and right now more than anything I want it to be around me.

I've done is again, you see, I have disappointed her, I did something wrong, like I always do. I dont quite remember what it was, but I'm sure it was my fault. I pick myself off the floor and go to the bathroom to examine myself in the mirror. Between the mess of tangled hair and tear streaks running down my checks I can see my dead tired eyes, I try to smile at my reflection, its going to be okay, I manage to look like an escaped asylum patient, crazy doesn't even begin to describe it. Especially with this baggy now torn t-shirt I'm wearing. 

My reflection winces, there's a bruise here and there I can see them, blue purple yellow colourful things running across my arm and some on my legs. I start undressing and get into the shower, its the best way to help with the pain you know, when your tears blend in with the running water, its a good place to hide as well, from the screaming I mean. 

After the shower she's still there and despite all my praying so am I. She smiles, its not a nice thing to look at believe me, its more like a spiteful smile, then she speaks and I feel like heading back into the shower and drowning myself in water. If god wont take me I'll do it myself. Her voice interrupts my suicidal thoughts

“Why wont you ever learn? When are you going to grow up, I cant keep doing this, Im getting old. What is wrong with you! I would get you professional help but we both know how that ended up, your just unstable.” 

She walks out, such a broken recorded, over and over again. Maybe I am insane? My mothers sure seems to think so. If I wasn't adopted id be wondering how the hell did I end up being her daughter, we're just so different. 

I sigh and get dressed, crawl into bed, and take refuge in a book, so I dont have to deal with any of this mundane drama. After an hour or so I look at the clock its 8 o'clock, their probably having dinner right now, but I dont want to see them or talk to them or eat with them or smile at them or do anything that has anything to do with them. Im tired, Im angry and my muscles ache... my soul aches. I feel broken and I dont want them to see how they broke me so, Im staying in my room under my sheets, reading my book for some mental relief and wait for morning to come and wash away my sins with it. Or maybe morning wont come and my prayers will be answered. 

--- I started this, and Ive been known to start things and never end them. I'm not sure what it is yet but I like it, and I hope I do finish it. Tell me what you think and your thoughts will be much appreciated. 

Xx

Unbalanced

She stares blindly into space, seeing but not really seeing. Figures walk around her blurry, colours are bland, its not real its like a painting done by a delusional artist, beautiful enough with out all the boring details. Shes playing with the chopstick in her hand, round and round, staring and staring, she splits the wooden chopstick, still staring blindly, seeing but not really seeing. She looks at the chopstick in her hand, “unbalanced” * in her head shes laughing at herself “unbalanced” oh the chopsticks have no idea how “unbalanced” she really is, their a silly smile playing on her lips and a kind of crazy spark in her eyes. Her eyes finally meet the eyes of the person siting patiently in front of her, their tired, no spark, just wrinkles on brown sun kissed skin. 

“So?” He knows. She continues to stare. 

“So.” Its the answer and the question. Isnt the human mind beautiful? 

She shifts her gaze and looks away, he is breaking into a million little pieces and she, for the life of her, could not bring herself to give him what he needed, reassurance. How could she? When she had none of it to offer, reassurance was not her reality nor was it his and lies would only make it worse than it already is. Still, even if it a lie. They want it. Reassurance. 

She stares at her chopsticks, unbalanced. She sighs, wishing the universe would tell her something useful. Unbalanced. 

*(its a Chinese belief that if you break your chopsticks and they dont break evenly or cleanly that your life is unbalanced )

What if?

She smiles at him, it’s a soft shy smile “Where’s your heart boy?”
He lifts an eyebrow and grins “why, you should know.”
She gives him a smile that melts his heart away “I should?”

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He’s five, he’s gazing up at the sky in wonder, what is up there? Does the sky end? He’s five and he wants to know things. He’s five and he wants to know everything.
He’s 30 and still he knows nothing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She’s lying on her bed, she is turning 19 soon, she types away on her pink laptop, she likes the pink laptop.
She types and types, and she loves her words, they are a part of her. She writes and writes… until the words lose their meaning and fade away, until she is exhausted by thought and is taken away by sleep into a land of dreams.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There’s a bottle broken on his arm, blood is pouring out, red warm blood pouring down, flowing down his arm in a somewhat soothing way. Tears streaming down his face, he deserves it. He is 17 and he deserves it.
Screaming comes from their room, he knows what will happen next. He tried to stop it… he tried. More screaming, he runs, runs, and runs. Blood stains on his jeans, on his shirt… on his life, his worthless life.

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What if we could see glimpses of others lives? What if we could see how much they suffered, loved, hated, achieved…
What if we could not only see but feel. What if our lives were interwind? What if we were all connected? What if we could share our life?

Maybe then we’d act a little more human. Maybe then we’d understand what it is were meant to do or who were meant to be. Maybe by seeing these little glimpses of reality falling apart or together we’d finally be able to understand our own short comings.
… What if eh?

Sure its all rainbows, sunshine and whatever the fuck this happy high has got you on.

What?
WHAT?

Did you have to write it in bold?
Did you have to say it out loud?
Did you have to.. make it real?

Leave me hidding behind the colours of my books and my dreams.

Did you have to write it in bold?
Did you have to say it out loud?
Did you have to... kill my dreams?

"Tell me that you want to dance,
I want to feel your pulse on mine,
You treat me like a stolen glance..
To yourself." ~ The Golden Floor - Snow Patrol

... So, take me to the Golden Floor?

Sweetness

Emptiness is my savior
Tears are my laughter
Lies are my truth

Breathing becomes a little harder and I’m chocking inside, wondering how these shades of white turned to gray and then faded away. Wondering what i lost myself to and how I faded away..

Sweet nothingness that amounts to nothing, you’ve crushed my dreams and turned them to dust, lost in a summer breeze…

Sweet love that breaks me, sweet heart that creeps under my skin… a sweetness that becomes a part of me, until I cannot remember how I survived without it, until I cannot imagine a time it wouldn’t be there.

Sweet goodbyes. Kiss me, breathe life into me one last time? Sweet goodbyes, tearing my skin. Sweet goodbye, won’t you stop haunting my dreams? And I never thought, sweetness would be so bitter.

Run..

The lights flashed around her, as she ran. Brilliant white, blue, beautiful colored lights, fading into her as she ran. She didn’t know nor did she care where the lights took her or how badly they blinded her all she wanted to do was run. Away from him, away from them, away from herself.

A few miles, a few hours, a few minutes, a few seconds. Her feet stumbled, upon a gray patch of grass, her body sunk deep into it. Breathing hard, shallow breaths. She looks up at the dark sky, a reflection of disaster in her pale eyes, on her white skin, beneath her cold heart.

A memory imprinted beneath the layers of her skin, sinking deep within her

Empty pages, empty of life.
Empty eyes, empty of dreams.
Beauty lies beneath shadows, under layers of hate.
And before you know it your life turns into a disgusting shade of grey.

Do we all search for a vision of love, beneath pink skies? Or are we all lost and engulfed in black? Are we going to find anyone to call our own? Or our will we have to face this darkness alone, forever?
Then the liars come, with their lies, and their false hope.

Somewhere beyond the rainbow, across a ray of sushine,
I know a girl with golden hair, and violet eyes, I know her.
I know a shadow that lingers within her, it over takes her, I know her...
We are one. She knows better, she accepts the cold truth.

"I cannot live through you again."

I close my eyes, searching for a vision of faith,
And I can see you there, with eyes like a dying star,
Trapping me in their beauty,

and I lose myself
All over again,
I lose myself, in you
I lose my soul to you
You move through me, a stormy night, raging within me.
Whisper in your ear as you reign over me,
“I cannot live through you again.”

I open my eyes,
to a dull reality where you are dead and I am dying
Everything is lost, within their hopes
Nothing left but the burning green sun,
The purple sky
The grey earth

And, desperately, we hold on to pieces of ourselves
Even as the pieces dig into our skin,
Even as our soul begins to bleed.

---
These days I dont really like the person I'm turning into. Parts of me are well... decaying.

Desert

Her bare feet burned footsteps into the white sand. There she goes, marking the world with her presence. Her eyes wander her raging orange skies, the dust manifests into some imitation of life, and it rises before her. A faint smile plays on her lips as the particles of dust scratch her face and irritate her skin, scraping the surface, merely scraping the surface.

She continued walking through the great dunes of sand, lost in her desert of loneliness, passersby in caravans did not stop and the hooded lean figures ridding beautiful Arabian horses rushed past her, through her, like she did not even exist.
She lives in this desert she created around herself, she loves this desert where she is alone with herself, and despite its burning sun and its sand storms… it is hers.

Do you have a desert?