I was meant to make a survey on the dating “scene” in my beloved flawed country Saudi, but seeing as my last post only got 3 people thinking, I decided to ask some people I actually knew what they thought about it. I got some interesting reactions, most are confused, like myself.
What is considered appropriate these days? I mean our generation doesnt resemble our parents, just like our parents generation didnt resemble their parents. I do believe we have evolved socially and in some ways deteriorated, or are approaching a dangerous level of shall we say “open-ness” the red line has to be drawn somewhere, I totally agree but it seems the red line hasnt been drawn with permanent ink, every generation erases the red line and places it where that generation thinks is appropriate. It seems that someday, there isnt going to be a red line anymore.
What is the right thing to do these days? If there is such a thing! I've asked a couple of people and it seems the majority seems to think its okay this by itself took me by total surprise I was raised to think that it was evil itself! Everyone however had a certain criteria to what would make it ok, for one it depended on the people involved, their age, everyone agreed that kids (ages 13 – 16) was totally unacceptable but more importantly it relied on their intentions. Are you looking for a serious relationship,one that will lead to marriage and the whole family thing? Or do you simply need someone in your life that cares about you and loves you, someone you could call your own? Or are you just a bored guy/girl messing around?
To those who are looking for a serious relationship, think about the odds. Is there a chance that you might think of spending the rest of your life with this person, and more importantly would your parents approve of him or his parents approve of you? Because lets face it, your not going to elope and he sure as hell wont elope for you. I can understand why you would want to know the person you marry before you actually do marry them, but isnt that what the “khotba” period is for? But then again, khotba puts too much pressure and theres always that question lurking in the back of your head, what if no one else comes along?
I've seen my parents, and their marriage isnt happy, ive seen other peoples parents too, they dont seem to be that ecstatic either, I know people who have gotten divorced after 1 year of marriage, after 16 years of marriage, even the people who stay together do it for all the wrong reason.
So, you see why most of todays youth want to take matters into their own hands, whether that is a good idea or not we cant tell that at the present time.
Although one can look at the western culture, they encourage young love, and the freedom to love whoever you want, or not. But that doesn't seem to have worked either, with high divorce rates and lots of teenage mothers...
I think, the best thing to do is try to find some common ground between the two cultures, draw a red line with permanent ink. And dont be a hypocrite about it.
I suppose the first step should be to avoid comparing the "dating" scene in Saudi Arabia to the more popular Western ones. They can never really be the same because of the religious and cultural differences/beliefs. People have to, first and foremost, accept and embrace the fact that they ARE different, and that while some things work for some, they may not ever work for others.
ReplyDeleteThe thing about the Khotoubah is that while it does give people that temporary license to get to know each other better (which just may be the equivalent of dating), there is still that very heavy stigma attached to it when things don't work out. There is no room for mistakes. Perhaps people should view it differently, and be more forgiving of couples who realize that they are not right for each other.
It's a state of mind, and perception that we must start with, and probably (at least not yet) not necessarily our actions.
And of course, you are absolutely right.
Don't be a hypocrite about it.
i am pretty busy with work, but still felt the need to read your blog and leave a short comment (for now). i totally agree with Diana, but i would like to add, that not all fathers are willing for the guy and girl to talk or go out alone during khotouba, some aren't even ok with the guy coming to their house to sit with the girl, so it turns into the typical phone relationship we have nowadays except that you can both answer the phone in front of everyone.
ReplyDeletei personally had a pre khutba dating period which was approved by the parents, both parents. it seemed to work fine, until her dad was fed up with it not being socially acceptable.. so you are right.. there is a need for lines, but i say the lines need to be on both sides... what we shouldn't pass, and what should be our minimum rights..
Diana-
ReplyDeleteI disagree. We should compare, try looking at western civilization some 200-500 years ago, I know its a long time but they were exactly where we are now. Look at the social ranking that use to exist and everything that came with it, a girl feared for her reputation and had to marry well. It very similar to our own culture, and at a time our religion! A girl was never to go out unchaperoned, and then there was the courtship period... sound familiar?
Somehow over time western civilization became what it is today, and I only fear we are going down the same path.
But I do agree with you that we shouldnt be comparing them to each other now, they are very different but at the same time freakishly alike..
Frogman-
Your comments are always appreciated =)
Your absolutely right, I think thats another flaw with the khotba period! And wow, that seems to be a good idea, an approved dating period... How did you do it? Did you tell your parents straight away when you first started "looking" or did you tell them later? If you dont mind me asking, if you do then just ignore me :p
As for the lines, it is exactly what we need, because these days I honestly dont know where to draw it. I mean around my folks I know, but when Im with people my own age.. I just feel torn in between, you know?