Something or nothing- Part 1

Steady now, your footsteps are falling heavy on the aching ground and I can hear your strained breaths under a breaking spirit. She smiles at his indifference, ironic after all the times he tried to convince her otherwise.

Flash back:
An old haunted road, one Victorian house. They were seated in an old ford, the blue washed away to grey, the seating cracked and broken.
“this is it?” his voice was as haunting as their surroundings
“yes” she looked into his dull eyes, they bored her.
“So, what now?”
Simple as a question might come but in this situation she couldn’t… Wouldn’t answer. Answering would mean taking responsibility for the actions that came. And everyone hated responsibility.

She heard the car door gently close behind him, she did not follow, she sat there trying to steady herself; She sat there trying to remind herself of herself. The string of events that brought them to this moment, although surprising were somehow expected, like something she’d seen before in a dream. With aching movements she got out of the car and stood next to him, then she was in his arms.
“Hello house on a haunted hill.” An insane smile played on her lips. Who cared about taking responsibility for your actions? Lets just be reckless, we’ll laugh at the wreck after we’ve created it.

Real time:
His emotions were running away from him, getting ahead of him and wreaking havoc. He blamed the pills, he could blame them for everything really. They make his worthless life feel responsibility-free.
He looked at the little orange bottle and smirked, shaking it, watching the little white gems moving left and right… left and right..
The world decided to spin on him that moment, Lucy, where was Lucy?
“luccceee… Luceee…” the words came out broken
static was filling up his head now, pain, pain, pain… Hello intolerable pain, he laughed manically and it seemed like a distant voice, not his own.
A white angel with red flaming hair guided him to something soft, he smiled in gratitude, the angel with flaming red hair placed something small in his sweaty palm. Her blurry white shadow came closer, heated words blew up in his consciousness
“Take your damn pills, old man.”
Feisty red headed angel, or devil, can’t really tell anymore. Is there much of a difference anyway?

Days.

195 days of you.

195 days of me.

195 days of us.

195 days of nothingness.

It feels like a fairy tale, it looks like a fairy tale.

It walks, talks, dances like a fairy tale.

Doesnt make it a fairy tale- Makes it a chicken.

Ultimate blue.

Lost between these shades of blue, and your eyes. Endless, free, and heartless.
Heres your life, watch it all flash in front of you.. everything you made, everything you stole, everything you loved and everything you hated. Everything... Nothing. Watch it all crash and burn, in the endless blue of the ocean.

Lost, forever out of reach.

And I dont know where it starts or if it ends, losing the threads of reality within your light. Where does it end? Does it end? Did it ever begin?


"If the world isn't turning,
Your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow
So take me don't leave me,
Baby, love will come through it's just waiting for you,
Well I stand at the crossroads,
Of highroads and lowroads,
And I got a feeling it's right..."

To the dearly confused,

All these questions where to go, what to do.. who to be lingering in the background of your life. Go on dear child, find your place in the world, amongst the faint of heart, the strong willed and all the lost souls in between. How are we to know our place if we can not even figure out who we are? So many question and self doubt when you cant decide wither your life even matters that much to yourself or the rest of the world. 

 To all those dear lost souls out there: Heres a bit of  advice from someone whose been kicked around often enough to know how it feels like to hit rock bottom with no way out. 

1- Forget who you are right now, and ask yourself, who do you want to be? What kind of person do you want to be? Close your eyes and picture that improved dream-like version of yourself. Now hang on to that picture. 

2- What do you want to do? Dont think about this one too much, whats the first thing that came into your head?  - Thats it, thats your answer. 

3- How badly do you want it? 

4- Make your decision and stick to it- No matter what! 

5- Whenever you feel you've lost hope- imagine that person you want to be.. 

I know this will seem a bit too... happy go luck, inspirational and in general very fairy tale like. But seriously, it does work. 

The beginning.

I am my mothers disappointment and my fathers dream. 

I am the people around me and everything they've made me. 

I am my brothers voice and my friends heart.

I am the people in my life, I am everything they need me to be. 

In addition to all of the above, I am a caffeine addict and an artist. I am my own person because of all the people in my life. My name is Lily, and this is a story, its not about me, its about all the people who contributed to me. My mother. My Father. My brother. My friends. My teachers. Everyone whose ever touched a part of my life, and thus changed something in me forever, for better or perhaps for worse. I am who I am because of the people around me. 

I am your words, I am your actions.

- Chapter. One.

“Dear god. I'm sorry. Please take me now.” I whispered to the quite darkness. I suppose its kind of crazy to talk to yourself, and disturbing to be asking for death to just please please take you out of your misery and come to take your soul. But then, what is sane these days anyway? The world has turned into a crazy place to be in. Have you been out in the streets lately, have you watched the news? 

Death, death, death is all around us and right now more than anything I want it to be around me.

I've done is again, you see, I have disappointed her, I did something wrong, like I always do. I dont quite remember what it was, but I'm sure it was my fault. I pick myself off the floor and go to the bathroom to examine myself in the mirror. Between the mess of tangled hair and tear streaks running down my checks I can see my dead tired eyes, I try to smile at my reflection, its going to be okay, I manage to look like an escaped asylum patient, crazy doesn't even begin to describe it. Especially with this baggy now torn t-shirt I'm wearing. 

My reflection winces, there's a bruise here and there I can see them, blue purple yellow colourful things running across my arm and some on my legs. I start undressing and get into the shower, its the best way to help with the pain you know, when your tears blend in with the running water, its a good place to hide as well, from the screaming I mean. 

After the shower she's still there and despite all my praying so am I. She smiles, its not a nice thing to look at believe me, its more like a spiteful smile, then she speaks and I feel like heading back into the shower and drowning myself in water. If god wont take me I'll do it myself. Her voice interrupts my suicidal thoughts

“Why wont you ever learn? When are you going to grow up, I cant keep doing this, Im getting old. What is wrong with you! I would get you professional help but we both know how that ended up, your just unstable.” 

She walks out, such a broken recorded, over and over again. Maybe I am insane? My mothers sure seems to think so. If I wasn't adopted id be wondering how the hell did I end up being her daughter, we're just so different. 

I sigh and get dressed, crawl into bed, and take refuge in a book, so I dont have to deal with any of this mundane drama. After an hour or so I look at the clock its 8 o'clock, their probably having dinner right now, but I dont want to see them or talk to them or eat with them or smile at them or do anything that has anything to do with them. Im tired, Im angry and my muscles ache... my soul aches. I feel broken and I dont want them to see how they broke me so, Im staying in my room under my sheets, reading my book for some mental relief and wait for morning to come and wash away my sins with it. Or maybe morning wont come and my prayers will be answered. 

--- I started this, and Ive been known to start things and never end them. I'm not sure what it is yet but I like it, and I hope I do finish it. Tell me what you think and your thoughts will be much appreciated. 

Xx

Here and there.. pretty much everywhere really!

So yeah! Exams are over and done with! good stuff, good stuff!! These past two weeks have been sort of stressful, all nighters and what not, that one physiology exam got me all crazy I couldnt sleep all night was just lying in bed, revising in my head it was driving me mad! I didnt even do very well on that exam!
One thing I've learned from exams is to trust your first instinct, never question your first impression of something or someone! Always go with it, cause its the right one, honestly! It was crazy cause like all my exams are multiple questions, so I read it once, read the answers than go like, yeah! Its B! ... No, wait, it could be D.... or A for that matter... and then I'm just like "Bloody fucking hell, whaT?!" And then, I find out it was actually B!
I'm pretty sure theres a scientific explanation for this! And when I learn it, I will be sure to post about it, not that anyone would care but myself really. All those long nights of revision have taken a tool on me! I keep turning medical biological info into funny/perverted things! Its quite amusing really, me and my friends were discussing Viagra and its effects in the library, we were quite loud, so we got these weird looks, we werent on the medics and science floor, so that must have been it, haha!

Tonight we went out, usualy I dont like going out to bars and whatever, its just not my thing, I stand there feeling just awkward and out of place! But I really wanted to unwind and have a bit of fun, and since all my good friends were going, and they all knew I didnt drink it was kinda okay? Yeah well anyway, I had a good time laughing and doing some stupid things! Got some virgin drinks, some chocolaty thingy which tasted amazzzziiingggg!!!!! Got a bit of a sugar high after that! Good times! Ahhh!!

Tomorrow I will be going to london for a few days, since my second semester doesnt start until the 9th of feb. I am in need of some serious retail therapy! Honestlyyyyy!! I am going to go shopping, and be a tourist! AND JUST CHILL GODDAMIT!
Life is good, good friends, good times!

Greetings, fellow... erm, earthlings.

So yeah, first post, woho!
New year, new blog! Can you feel the excitement?! Electrocuting the air around us, can you hear it buzz with agony!? Ahh, I myself can barely handle the excitement! My goodness!
2009, smashing!

May this year bring us all closer together with our loved ones, and further away from those who... well, we dont love... or really actually even like come to that.

Yours,
Philyra
(for those of you who dont know what "Philyra" means, google it you ignorant imbeciles!)