In the darkness of my own exile I whispered, as if writing a letter in my head, a letter to no one really. Dear darkness, the words come out jagged, I have a confession to make, the words are fearless and defiant, all those times I pushed you away and kept you at the edge of my world I never realized how much of a friend you really were and I do apologize, the words come out apologetic.
Dear darkness, I want you to know, when I am scared I try to find you within myself and I take refugee like a coward.
You have encouraged my cowardice.
Now I just run, I run to you. I self-destruct just so I can be enveloped by, so I can become you.
Dear darkness, I have made you my saviour, and I shall repent all my sins and hide where the righteous cant find me and the light wont burn me.
Dear darkness, I always end up here, at this point in time, every time, running circles and triangles and squares around the same bare dark area I always come back to, at this point in time, every time, until time makes no sense anymore.
And everything I’ve ever done makes no sense, but its ok, the darkness makes sense.
All these questions where to go, what to do.. who to be lingering in the background of your life. Go on dear child, find your place in the world, amongst the faint of heart, the strong willed and all the lost souls in between. How are we to know our place if we can not even figure out who we are? So many question and self doubt when you cant decide wither your life even matters that much to yourself or the rest of the world.
To all those dear lost souls out there: Heres a bit of advice from someone whose been kicked around often enough to know how it feels like to hit rock bottom with no way out.
1- Forget who you are right now, and ask yourself, who do you want to be? What kind of person do you want to be? Close your eyes and picture that improved dream-like version of yourself. Now hang on to that picture.
2- What do you want to do? Dont think about this one too much, whats the first thing that came into your head? - Thats it, thats your answer.
3- How badly do you want it?
4- Make your decision and stick to it- No matter what!
5- Whenever you feel you've lost hope- imagine that person you want to be..
I know this will seem a bit too... happy go luck, inspirational and in general very fairy tale like. But seriously, it does work.
The people we love end up haunting us for the rest of our lives, ghosts and flashing visions of what we chose to block out of memory because it just hurts too much to remember. An amazing human self defence mechanism, blocking out the memory of pain, loss and hate, so all that is left is the bruises and the tear stains on our pillows. Still, our subconscious remembers, its there in the back of your mind, that lingering sensation of pain, of love, of hate.. of insanity. Its all there, driving you to be a border line insomniac, because your thoughts wont let you dismiss their actions, because your thoughts remember the feeling, however vaguely, it still remembers and it just wont let you forget it fully.. and you just cant find peace. From sun down to sun up, your staring at the ceiling, hoping for sleep, for rest.
No rest for the restless.
No love for the unlovable.
I cant run away from you, wherever I go, your presence lingers. I cant turn my back on you, however way I try. Stop haunting me, I'm not that little hopeless kid anymore.
