I am my mothers disappointment and my fathers dream.
I am the people around me and everything they've made me.
I am my brothers voice and my friends heart.
I am the people in my life, I am everything they need me to be.
In addition to all of the above, I am a caffeine addict and an artist. I am my own person because of all the people in my life. My name is Lily, and this is a story, its not about me, its about all the people who contributed to me. My mother. My Father. My brother. My friends. My teachers. Everyone whose ever touched a part of my life, and thus changed something in me forever, for better or perhaps for worse. I am who I am because of the people around me.
I am your words, I am your actions.
- Chapter. One.
“Dear god. I'm sorry. Please take me now.” I whispered to the quite darkness. I suppose its kind of crazy to talk to yourself, and disturbing to be asking for death to just please please take you out of your misery and come to take your soul. But then, what is sane these days anyway? The world has turned into a crazy place to be in. Have you been out in the streets lately, have you watched the news?
Death, death, death is all around us and right now more than anything I want it to be around me.
I've done is again, you see, I have disappointed her, I did something wrong, like I always do. I dont quite remember what it was, but I'm sure it was my fault. I pick myself off the floor and go to the bathroom to examine myself in the mirror. Between the mess of tangled hair and tear streaks running down my checks I can see my dead tired eyes, I try to smile at my reflection, its going to be okay, I manage to look like an escaped asylum patient, crazy doesn't even begin to describe it. Especially with this baggy now torn t-shirt I'm wearing.
My reflection winces, there's a bruise here and there I can see them, blue purple yellow colourful things running across my arm and some on my legs. I start undressing and get into the shower, its the best way to help with the pain you know, when your tears blend in with the running water, its a good place to hide as well, from the screaming I mean.
After the shower she's still there and despite all my praying so am I. She smiles, its not a nice thing to look at believe me, its more like a spiteful smile, then she speaks and I feel like heading back into the shower and drowning myself in water. If god wont take me I'll do it myself. Her voice interrupts my suicidal thoughts
“Why wont you ever learn? When are you going to grow up, I cant keep doing this, Im getting old. What is wrong with you! I would get you professional help but we both know how that ended up, your just unstable.”
She walks out, such a broken recorded, over and over again. Maybe I am insane? My mothers sure seems to think so. If I wasn't adopted id be wondering how the hell did I end up being her daughter, we're just so different.
I sigh and get dressed, crawl into bed, and take refuge in a book, so I dont have to deal with any of this mundane drama. After an hour or so I look at the clock its 8 o'clock, their probably having dinner right now, but I dont want to see them or talk to them or eat with them or smile at them or do anything that has anything to do with them. Im tired, Im angry and my muscles ache... my soul aches. I feel broken and I dont want them to see how they broke me so, Im staying in my room under my sheets, reading my book for some mental relief and wait for morning to come and wash away my sins with it. Or maybe morning wont come and my prayers will be answered.
--- I started this, and Ive been known to start things and never end them. I'm not sure what it is yet but I like it, and I hope I do finish it. Tell me what you think and your thoughts will be much appreciated.
Xx
I was meant to make a survey on the dating “scene” in my beloved flawed country Saudi, but seeing as my last post only got 3 people thinking, I decided to ask some people I actually knew what they thought about it. I got some interesting reactions, most are confused, like myself.
What is considered appropriate these days? I mean our generation doesnt resemble our parents, just like our parents generation didnt resemble their parents. I do believe we have evolved socially and in some ways deteriorated, or are approaching a dangerous level of shall we say “open-ness” the red line has to be drawn somewhere, I totally agree but it seems the red line hasnt been drawn with permanent ink, every generation erases the red line and places it where that generation thinks is appropriate. It seems that someday, there isnt going to be a red line anymore.
What is the right thing to do these days? If there is such a thing! I've asked a couple of people and it seems the majority seems to think its okay this by itself took me by total surprise I was raised to think that it was evil itself! Everyone however had a certain criteria to what would make it ok, for one it depended on the people involved, their age, everyone agreed that kids (ages 13 – 16) was totally unacceptable but more importantly it relied on their intentions. Are you looking for a serious relationship,one that will lead to marriage and the whole family thing? Or do you simply need someone in your life that cares about you and loves you, someone you could call your own? Or are you just a bored guy/girl messing around?
To those who are looking for a serious relationship, think about the odds. Is there a chance that you might think of spending the rest of your life with this person, and more importantly would your parents approve of him or his parents approve of you? Because lets face it, your not going to elope and he sure as hell wont elope for you. I can understand why you would want to know the person you marry before you actually do marry them, but isnt that what the “khotba” period is for? But then again, khotba puts too much pressure and theres always that question lurking in the back of your head, what if no one else comes along?
I've seen my parents, and their marriage isnt happy, ive seen other peoples parents too, they dont seem to be that ecstatic either, I know people who have gotten divorced after 1 year of marriage, after 16 years of marriage, even the people who stay together do it for all the wrong reason.
So, you see why most of todays youth want to take matters into their own hands, whether that is a good idea or not we cant tell that at the present time.
Although one can look at the western culture, they encourage young love, and the freedom to love whoever you want, or not. But that doesn't seem to have worked either, with high divorce rates and lots of teenage mothers...
I think, the best thing to do is try to find some common ground between the two cultures, draw a red line with permanent ink. And dont be a hypocrite about it.
The people we love end up haunting us for the rest of our lives, ghosts and flashing visions of what we chose to block out of memory because it just hurts too much to remember. An amazing human self defence mechanism, blocking out the memory of pain, loss and hate, so all that is left is the bruises and the tear stains on our pillows. Still, our subconscious remembers, its there in the back of your mind, that lingering sensation of pain, of love, of hate.. of insanity. Its all there, driving you to be a border line insomniac, because your thoughts wont let you dismiss their actions, because your thoughts remember the feeling, however vaguely, it still remembers and it just wont let you forget it fully.. and you just cant find peace. From sun down to sun up, your staring at the ceiling, hoping for sleep, for rest.
No rest for the restless.
No love for the unlovable.
I cant run away from you, wherever I go, your presence lingers. I cant turn my back on you, however way I try. Stop haunting me, I'm not that little hopeless kid anymore.
