These city lights, theyre not only blinding but a hazard. You can help but have your gaze lifted towards their flashing splendour, and trip over your thoughts and dreams. They demand attention, so your head is in the clouds. These city lights, they teach you to look up, to find the lights and the stars in the heavens.

America, land of the brave, free.. and hopeless.

Indeed, what?

I keep things, its what I do. Like broken pieces of myself, a bit of disaster dust, I keep some of that too. A little note saying “Hello” I’d keep that. That piece of candy you gave me.. a word you gave me, promises I make.. I keep all those things. Trash just piling up, most of those things will be lost in some emotional hurricane, or a real hurricane that will show us god.

Sometimes, I even keep pieces of other people, I love them too much to let them go. Again, trash.

Something or nothing- Part 3

Flashback:
The skies were ablaze, red hot, white in anger and blinding. The road was paved with the sweet colour of disappointment, bones of the past on either side, marking the borders, and borders were never to be crossed.
Her eyes saw the raging sea beneath, and her body reacted with longing. To be hiding under the waves, chocked by salt and drowning. She stood still, her brown dress flowing cautiously with the wind, her feet touching the dry bones lining the borderlines.
Before she even knew it, she was running towards the edge, crossing the borderline with no second thought, and flying into the welcoming sea beneath. There was a moment, she was suspended within the skies, it seemed. The rage within them calmed the rage within her.
Cold overtook, and her breath gave away. Darkness overthrew and her spirit gave way.
Sweat, on her forehead, under her arms, everywhere. Her eyes flew open, wide-awake, and alert. The moonlight poured in from the small opening that could hardly be called a window, it painted the white padded room with different shades of gray. The wind outside was fierce, scowling and threatening.
Her dreams were scattered, all bits and pieces of some far memory or some face that meant something. This was no different; she had flung herself over a cliff once or twice…
She sat still, staring at the white ceiling, counting the cracks until she sleep took her again.


Blue couch, white washed walls, colours that are meant to calm. All scientifically proven of course, it’ll take more than just colours to clam the insane. Doctor Cashtener sat in a chair across from her. He smiled, she only gave him a blank expressionless face to greet.
“So, tell me about these dreams Violet?” concern.
“I don’t want to talk about them.” hate.
“Do they scare you?” surprise.
“No.” Uncertainty
“What is it then?” more concern
Violet just smiled back, mockingly.
“I know you’ve been having nightmares since you arrived. The nurses hear you every night, screaming for-“
“MICHEAL.” More screaming.
“Yes, Michael.” He could see the emotions, vigorous, directing the muscles on her face, shame and despair.
“Micheal..” she lowered her eyes. Shame.
“Who is Micheal?” he asked her softly
“Sand.”
The word drifted in the darkness of her silence.
“Sand. Soft white sand, I want to bury myself in it. I want to hide underneath the ocean…” but she could only hide in the corners of her dopamine enhanced mind.
He sighed
“night, night.. here comes night. I hate the night, the nights were always the worse. Always.” She whimpered.
It was day. But there was no use trying to tell her that, she was gone… for now.
“Violet, where are you?”
“Wheres anyone… In the middle of the ocean, on a little sinking ship, in the ocean, in the ocean.”
“Violet-”
“DON’T CALL ME THAT!”
Rage.
“DON’T YOU DARE EVER THINK I WONT FIND OUT, DON’T EVER THINK YOU CAN TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME! I WILL FIND YOU! YOU ARROGANT SON OF A-”
“Take who?”
She made a wild gesture at him, restraints caught her midway through the movement and the laws of physics caught up with her and pushed her backwards. They came in and took her away. Her voice killed the hallow silence and bounced off the green walls of the facility.
“DON’T TAKE ME THERE, NOT THE HOUSE ON THE HILL…”
“Not that house on a haunted hill” hysterical laughter


Jasper shuffled his feet, right and left, anxiety was taking over. Pale white blue like light drowned his office, it spilled over the books, and painted the walls. Everything looked dull and dead under the dying evening sun, even the countryside looked white washed outside of his window.
His eyes traced the even lines on the documents laying demandingly on his table, along with another high stack of patient files.
There was a recognizable knock on his door, his secretary walked in holding a light blue folder, another comforting colour. She smiled, not so comforting.

“Dr. Cashtener, I need you to sign these papers, please?” She said this with her not so comforting smile held in place.

Remember...

When I use to get comments?
... Good times.

Question

I was asked one day, over pancakes in the randomest cafe on the convenient side of town.

"How'd you hold up for so long?"

I just stared at my fork, maple syrup pancake and all. I've never thought that I've been "holding up". Never thought I was resisting temptation or that I've been struggling with self-restraint. And for that god I am truly thankful.

The question meant how have I resisted not being pulled down by the masses, how have I not been partying/drinking and jumping every guy I happen to like. I was asked how I was holding on to my beliefs.

When you truly believe in something, its easy to hold on to it. Because nothing else seems plausible or even worth your while.

Head VS Heart

Sometimes we find ourselves so confused to the point that we can no longer recognize even our own emotions. Those broad lines that separate love from hate, anger and fear just seem intertwined and overrun or even non-existent.

Emotions, they get in the way, who needs them?!

Emotions non the less remain the universal language of communication between people of different ethnicities and cultural backgrounds, we can recognize happiness with a smile and read fear from the eyes and face. These emotions, fear, joy, distress, anger, disgust and surprise were regarded as “basic” emotions, understood universally and hardwired within use by evolution.

These basic emotions were necessary for the survival of our ancestors. The functions of fear, and anger in aiding the survival of our ancestors are very clear. For without fear we wouldn’t take care of ourselves, and we would not defend ourselves, readying our bodies for a battle.

The wisdom behind emotion such as disgust and surprise are also easily deciphered; surprise allows us to study our surroundings before preceding any further and disgust is a necessity in a prehistoric world filled with rotting food, feces and poisonous plants. It is less clear however why we feel joy, one theory has stated that joy helps induce the reward centre in our brain, aiding perhaps in the act of reproduction and the joys of progeny, yet another way to insures the survival of our species.

Emotion seem to take over our bodies machinery and will it to do its own bedding. Everything reacts within us to protect us from the sometimes overwhelming environment that surrounds us. The main course of events takes place by a stimuli in our environment, we sense this stimulus and the information of what we have sensed will be sent to the brain, the brain then breaks down, examines, assesses and replies to the stimulus. In addition, we hold a record of the stimulus as a memory so that we know how to deal with it again.

The limbic system, consisting of the amygdala, hippocampus, anterior thalamic nuclei and limbic cortex; these structures are the main directors of emotions, behavior and memory.

It exerts its effects through the endocrine system and the autonomic nervous system. These two systems cause adrenaline to pierce through our veins optimizing blood supply through increasing our heart rate and increasing energy by increasing our metabolic rate aiding us when we are angry, our pupils to dilate when we are aroused to allow light to enter. All these forms of emotions coming to life, conducting our bodies machinery. However, not all forms of emotions are fully understood, for one laughter seems to be highly useless, and tears, what is the power in tears? More over, why is do we feel relief after crying? Scientist have suggested that tears of distress remove stress hormones from the body, also one can not deny that tears are one of the most sincere forms of distress for it is hard to fake tears.

Although emotions were very useful tools for the prehistoric man, post historic man, it seems is held back by emotions. More often than not our emotions just run away from us, and reek havoc, for who can deny the loss of reason when we are overpowered by love or rage black outs. The world today despises emotions, and encourages detachment.

Emotions is perhaps the “north” that guides our moral compass, we lose our moral compass when we become irresponsive to emotions such as guilt, but then is it really advisable in this day an age to even have a moral compass? As they say, every man to himself.

Aristotle believed virtue to be the middle ground between two emotional extremes, courage for instance is the ground between too much and too little fear. Aristotles concept bares similarities to todays “emotional intelligence” in which a person maintain the balance between emotions and reasoning and in reading the emotions which others hide.

Emotions guide us, morally and has aided in the survival of pre-historic man. But post-historic man will have to learn to keep his emotions in check, and learn to manipulate his own and others emotions for his own benefit to survive in this “post historic” world shall we call it.