Darkness,

In the darkness of my own exile I whispered, as if writing a letter in my head, a letter to no one really. Dear darkness, the words come out jagged, I have a confession to make, the words are fearless and defiant, all those times I pushed you away and kept you at the edge of my world I never realized how much of a friend you really were and I do apologize, the words come out apologetic.

Dear darkness, I want you to know, when I am scared I try to find you within myself and I take refugee like a coward.

You have encouraged my cowardice.

Now I just run, I run to you. I self-destruct just so I can be enveloped by, so I can become you.

Dear darkness, I have made you my saviour, and I shall repent all my sins and hide where the righteous cant find me and the light wont burn me.

Dear darkness, I always end up here, at this point in time, every time, running circles and triangles and squares around the same bare dark area I always come back to, at this point in time, every time, until time makes no sense anymore.

And everything I’ve ever done makes no sense, but its ok, the darkness makes sense.

Days.

195 days of you.

195 days of me.

195 days of us.

195 days of nothingness.

It feels like a fairy tale, it looks like a fairy tale.

It walks, talks, dances like a fairy tale.

Doesnt make it a fairy tale- Makes it a chicken.

Why do I dream of you?

Sometimes I think Im dreaming, and nothing is real. Like everything is just a shadow, and everything I see is just a figment of my subconscious mind, it moves so terribly fast and before you know it its all gone, a storm of colors and sounds knocking you off your feet or disorienting you so you dont know whats what or whose who or even who your meant to be, let alone who everyone else is and how they relate to you. Its just confusing, so much so that I find myself just wanting to detach because I dont feel like dealing with it.

Time for another post.

*waves* hello everyone! Or no one! Which seems to be the case most days... *sigh* oh vell!

So I am back at uni- happiness! I know such a nerd right? Dont hold it against me, Im cool too. Been running around from lectures to labs to the DR (Dissection room- I like saying DR cause it sounds so bloody cool!) its been hectic, but nice hectic like I can never get a chance to dwell on the emotional emptiness, the sucky part and all like the lost bullshit in between. I like that kind of hectic, I suppose its unhealthy? Drowning yourself in everything and nothing at the same time, but then most things are unhealthy, so whatever. Wait till next week, then I really wont have ANY time! Im gonna start gyming! Woooooo! Healthy-ness! Haha! And Im going to take up so volunteer work, and gonna start going through the process of getting my drivers license! Well thats the plan anyway, if I get lazy.... Well, I will disappoint myself then.

So what have I been up to these past few weeks? LETS SEE.

There was the whole traveling around thingy during the summer, but to be fair it was only a month, with the family, it was boring in a nice way until it became annoying in a not so nice way, that ended around mid august, thankfully. Then I was back in good old Riyadh, saw some people, avoided other people, the usual really, ramadan came and went with all its graceful glory! Good times. Then september rolled in, and before I knew it me and my brother were on a plane back to Eggland and a train back to Sheff-town! And here I am on my bed on a friday night with tissues everywhere because I have a flu! FRESHERS FLU! Well.. okay, maybe not freshers flu cause its already mid-oct, INNIT!? Lol. Some chavyness is exactly what this post was missing!

I've got some errands to run, gotta buy some stuff for the apt (glasses.. etc), canvas, a bong for Robert, a little one! Headphones for Alson annnnnnnddddd gotta slap some sense into a certain boy :D!

That is all for now, please keep refreshing for further updates, or not. Your choice Habibi! ;p

Away without the words,

There are some things I'd like to say,

Because you see, these words are wasting away,

In the night I stay awake, with thoughts of you all gone astray,

And these words... Their still wasting away as I think of you.

They say,

"Roses are red,

violets are blue."

Stupid love poems, they just wont do... Not for you.

More ridiculous bullshit, from even more retarded folk.

CAUTION: Very dark post, in an even darker mood.

- I must have a sign that says "Go ahead, walk all over me." I mean some people and their crap, always throwing it your way, you know. How they never call unless they want something or they put you on "limited profile" on facebook, or they remove you all together I mean- LAME! or hell they never so much as say hello for 3 months! When you use to spend all day with them! JUST BECAUSE IM A NICE PERSON IT DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN USE AND THROW AWAY WHENEVER YOU FUCKING FEEL LIKE IT! - End rant.

-I dont trust people who throw around the word "I love you" do you? I dont know, sounds like fake emotions to me. Pfft love, its a state of mind you throw yourself into willingly, kinda like getting high, at least when you sober up you can tell reality from illusion and when your being mind fucked, however willingly.


- If the greater good voted for love id vote for hate, fuck the greater good who are they to judge what is good. What if the greater good was to kill a bunch of orphans, their such a burden anyway, what if the "greater good" was just to get rid of them all. Save some money, some food, shit loads of whining and messed up adults. Does the greater "good" then become "evil"? Conclusion: We are the greater good therefore we are evil. Every man to himself right? How bout every 1000 or so selfish human beings to themselves, the orphans are fucked.

Genes?

What if we were genetically predispositioned to become our parents? Like some of us are predisposition with heart disease? Or type II diabetes? Under the right circumstances, if we dont work to change our "lifestyle" you could turn into your parents.
What if the reason history keeps repeating itself was not a failure to learn but an inability to change? If history keeps repeating itself, does history then cease to exist? Does our past become our future, more or less?

Most of your life, every decision you ever made or didn't make every action that drove you to be something better, every action you took or decided not to take, everything you are, everything that made you into who you are was already planned out within you, in those double-helixed little segments, within every cell, was a blue print of who you were meant to be just like it contained a blue print of what your suppose to look like and how you're meant to function, and no matter how much you tried to be someone else, you just couldn’t, because your "hard wired" that way. All those little bits of double helixed DNA wrapped up- commanding a life form.

Nothing becomes humanity, we are not special, and we are not unique, were not like bloody little snowflakes. We are just different versions of our parents, like they were a different version of their parents, none of us are original; humanity is not original. Everything is just "a copy of a copy of a copy" within and insomniac's reality, sad really.

Then there are those geniuses, those guys are just a genetic mutation, they were never meant to happen. They say all genius is crazy, their right. History is proof, Pythagoras the mathematical genius created his own religion where beans were the devil, yep, normal edible beans. They say Michelangelo the great artist had autism, John Nash another mathematician and a noble prize winner had schizophrenia.
Seems to become great, you have to be a little dysfunctional and insane.