Confessions of an insomniac.

- Im still bitter and I hate them all. Fuck forgiveness and good grace and being the fucking better person. I HATE THEM. There I said it: I hate their fucking guts and I dont even bloody care if they all just DIE suddenly. A7SAN.

- Im dreading next year cause I think I'll fail. 

- You know when I told you I loved you, I think I was slightly delusional. I dont know why I said it- Plead temporary insanity. 

- I ate your last cookie when you werent looking.

- I hate your fucking guts.

- I say I dont care, I say it all the time. I say it to myself, to the walls, to the sky, I say I dont care I scream it to myself and to the world: I DONT CARE. In the hope that repeating the statement will make it true.

- I want to keep you forever. 

- For once Im afraid of showing someone who I am, Im afraid they wont like it and that I'll lose them.

- Some days I want to cry and I dont even know why.

- Today you touched my arm and I swear I recoiled with actual fear for no reason at all.

- I hate summer vacations.

Theres something in his manner, a beautiful truth I cant find, hidden behind colourful masks and masquerades... he stands with his broken wings and his helpless smile, as if its a mistake he's done before but cant help but fall into again and again. Such sinful beauty he finds in her eyes, again and again, falling into this mistake, until darkness prevails where the light of her eyes die, they should have stretched on to eternity but eternity ended where they ended. 

Everything fades away into all these shades of chaos- even the light in her eyes. 

So heres our hero where we left him, broken wings on the cold wet ground of reality, broken and helplessly smiling.. What do you do when everything within you is slowly falling apart, either rusting away or slowly breaking and degenerating away into nothingness? 

Theres something in his manner, in his helpless smile, as if he lives to crash, hes self-destructing. 

Theres something in his manner, as if he knows truth will not lead him astray and love will never fail him.. 

Theres something in his manner, as if he knows nothing but is willing to take a chance on faith

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttt.

- Some people are such IDIOTS, why do I even bother with you? 

To the dearly confused,

All these questions where to go, what to do.. who to be lingering in the background of your life. Go on dear child, find your place in the world, amongst the faint of heart, the strong willed and all the lost souls in between. How are we to know our place if we can not even figure out who we are? So many question and self doubt when you cant decide wither your life even matters that much to yourself or the rest of the world. 

 To all those dear lost souls out there: Heres a bit of  advice from someone whose been kicked around often enough to know how it feels like to hit rock bottom with no way out. 

1- Forget who you are right now, and ask yourself, who do you want to be? What kind of person do you want to be? Close your eyes and picture that improved dream-like version of yourself. Now hang on to that picture. 

2- What do you want to do? Dont think about this one too much, whats the first thing that came into your head?  - Thats it, thats your answer. 

3- How badly do you want it? 

4- Make your decision and stick to it- No matter what! 

5- Whenever you feel you've lost hope- imagine that person you want to be.. 

I know this will seem a bit too... happy go luck, inspirational and in general very fairy tale like. But seriously, it does work. 

He makes me smile like an idiot.

Reporting from the capital of Saudi Arabia, Riyadh. Yes- I'm back in town, rejoice. Its been so good so far, 'cept for the lack of sleep and me turning into a borderline insomniac which is something that always seems to happen when Im back here, this time round its been better though. I wonder why... but who knows it might get worse and it usually does, such a pessimist, eh? Haha. 

I've taken up running recently, I like it a lot. Makes me feel better. I keep thinking about my exam results, kinda stressing out, like I know I wont fail for sure but I hope I dont loose my scholarship so I need to get a high percentage.. Oh well. 

This summers been good so far, Im happy with its progression, hehe. Hope it doesnt go downhill from here though. 

Some things have been made clear to me recently, things are starting to make sense, kinda makes things better in some really messed up way. I suppose its human nature to seek explanation, and now that I have it I feel like I can move on. But boy was I a ticking time bomb waiting to just explode in everyones face... Sigh. 

To them you are nothing but the disaster of their past. 

To yourself you are nothing but the disaster of the future. 

Destruction and heartache follows. Every time, every where, everyone. 

Stupid, breathless and selfless is where it all starts. And before you know it your life has been taken over by this sandstorm of emotional dreams. 

Perfection, perfection.. take me away in your arms. 

---- Until your heartbreaks, a million little pieces turning into dust. 

<|3

Person A and Person B:

Person A and person B are really good friends.
Person A develops a love interest in person B.
Person B is not interested.
Person A is rejected and crushed.
Person B feels guilty and is also crushed.
Person A and B have a falling out.
Person A and B fall in again.
Person A and B are friends again.
Person A and B become really good friends like they once were.
Person A and B meet persons C, D, E and F.
Person A becomes really good friends with them almost instantly.
Person B doesnt really like new people and needs time to feel comfortable.
Because person A becomes really good friends instantly and person B still keeps its distance persons C, D, E and F think person B doesnt like them.
Person A develops a love interest in person E.
Person A hooks up with person E.
Person A is distracted by this new found love thingy or whatever the hell it is.
Person B feels ignored by group.
Person B spends less and less time with group, cause their all couply.
Person B finds other people to hang out with and finds a good friend with person X.
Person B figures if person A missed it, it would come find it.
Person X agrees that person B should just let person A be.
Person A never comes to find person B.
Person X tells person B that it doesnt matter.
Person B is upset but understands person As situation.
Person A talks behind person Bs back, saying that person B is being antisocial and has problems.
Person A keeps talking about person Bs back, and is now saying person B is jealous of Person E.
Person A says that person B is an emotional retard.
Person B knows nothing.
Person B is still spending minimal time with person A and co because person B feels a bit weird around them.
Person B finds out.
Person B is pissed off.
Person A comes looking for person B one day when E and co are not around.
Person B tells Person A to fuck off.
Person A and B have a fight.
Person A apologizes.
Person B knows person A is just saying it and doesnt accept the apology.
Person B tells person A to fuck off yet again and walks off.

Conclusion:
Person X is hot.
Person A cant keep it in their pants.
And person B... well, doesnt care.