To the dearly confused,

All these questions where to go, what to do.. who to be lingering in the background of your life. Go on dear child, find your place in the world, amongst the faint of heart, the strong willed and all the lost souls in between. How are we to know our place if we can not even figure out who we are? So many question and self doubt when you cant decide wither your life even matters that much to yourself or the rest of the world. 

 To all those dear lost souls out there: Heres a bit of  advice from someone whose been kicked around often enough to know how it feels like to hit rock bottom with no way out. 

1- Forget who you are right now, and ask yourself, who do you want to be? What kind of person do you want to be? Close your eyes and picture that improved dream-like version of yourself. Now hang on to that picture. 

2- What do you want to do? Dont think about this one too much, whats the first thing that came into your head?  - Thats it, thats your answer. 

3- How badly do you want it? 

4- Make your decision and stick to it- No matter what! 

5- Whenever you feel you've lost hope- imagine that person you want to be.. 

I know this will seem a bit too... happy go luck, inspirational and in general very fairy tale like. But seriously, it does work. 

He makes me smile like an idiot.

Reporting from the capital of Saudi Arabia, Riyadh. Yes- I'm back in town, rejoice. Its been so good so far, 'cept for the lack of sleep and me turning into a borderline insomniac which is something that always seems to happen when Im back here, this time round its been better though. I wonder why... but who knows it might get worse and it usually does, such a pessimist, eh? Haha. 

I've taken up running recently, I like it a lot. Makes me feel better. I keep thinking about my exam results, kinda stressing out, like I know I wont fail for sure but I hope I dont loose my scholarship so I need to get a high percentage.. Oh well. 

This summers been good so far, Im happy with its progression, hehe. Hope it doesnt go downhill from here though. 

Some things have been made clear to me recently, things are starting to make sense, kinda makes things better in some really messed up way. I suppose its human nature to seek explanation, and now that I have it I feel like I can move on. But boy was I a ticking time bomb waiting to just explode in everyones face... Sigh. 

To them you are nothing but the disaster of their past. 

To yourself you are nothing but the disaster of the future. 

Destruction and heartache follows. Every time, every where, everyone. 

Stupid, breathless and selfless is where it all starts. And before you know it your life has been taken over by this sandstorm of emotional dreams. 

Perfection, perfection.. take me away in your arms. 

---- Until your heartbreaks, a million little pieces turning into dust. 

<|3

Person A and Person B:

Person A and person B are really good friends.
Person A develops a love interest in person B.
Person B is not interested.
Person A is rejected and crushed.
Person B feels guilty and is also crushed.
Person A and B have a falling out.
Person A and B fall in again.
Person A and B are friends again.
Person A and B become really good friends like they once were.
Person A and B meet persons C, D, E and F.
Person A becomes really good friends with them almost instantly.
Person B doesnt really like new people and needs time to feel comfortable.
Because person A becomes really good friends instantly and person B still keeps its distance persons C, D, E and F think person B doesnt like them.
Person A develops a love interest in person E.
Person A hooks up with person E.
Person A is distracted by this new found love thingy or whatever the hell it is.
Person B feels ignored by group.
Person B spends less and less time with group, cause their all couply.
Person B finds other people to hang out with and finds a good friend with person X.
Person B figures if person A missed it, it would come find it.
Person X agrees that person B should just let person A be.
Person A never comes to find person B.
Person X tells person B that it doesnt matter.
Person B is upset but understands person As situation.
Person A talks behind person Bs back, saying that person B is being antisocial and has problems.
Person A keeps talking about person Bs back, and is now saying person B is jealous of Person E.
Person A says that person B is an emotional retard.
Person B knows nothing.
Person B is still spending minimal time with person A and co because person B feels a bit weird around them.
Person B finds out.
Person B is pissed off.
Person A comes looking for person B one day when E and co are not around.
Person B tells Person A to fuck off.
Person A and B have a fight.
Person A apologizes.
Person B knows person A is just saying it and doesnt accept the apology.
Person B tells person A to fuck off yet again and walks off.

Conclusion:
Person X is hot.
Person A cant keep it in their pants.
And person B... well, doesnt care.

WAIT, What?

WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

WELCOME TO MY REALITY.

Where no one cares and no one cares that no one cares. Everyone is just THAT selfish. 

Where nice people are the idiots, the idiots are the jokers, the jokers are the adored ones and the adored ones are the most despised. 

This is a world ruled by selfish, SELFISH bastards. Who will laugh at your tears and kick you when your down.

HI.

Your stay with us is going to cost you your sanity. 

Cash or Card? 

Xx

P.S; I love all you blogger peoples <3

I am Jacks pharyngeal reflex.

Im tired. Im sick and tired of everyone and their love lives, its spring time and everyones in love. Everyones hormones are shooting up sky high, including my own I guess, these days I'm a hormonal mess of emotions, sometimes their ridiculously high and happy and I make myself puke, other times their low and angry and everyone else makes me puke. Its crazy I tell you, bipolar even.

I dont want to hear about you love life.

I dont want to be ditched for your love life.

I dont want to hear about my lack of a "love life". I know, more over I dont caaaare. 

I dont want a bloody love life.

You're all in love and happy, good for you, Im happy for you but could you just please keep it to yourselves? Much appreciated. I need to revise, I have exams. No time to dwell on anyones emotional state, much less my own! And this is all just making me dwell... sigh. 

The beginning.

I am my mothers disappointment and my fathers dream. 

I am the people around me and everything they've made me. 

I am my brothers voice and my friends heart.

I am the people in my life, I am everything they need me to be. 

In addition to all of the above, I am a caffeine addict and an artist. I am my own person because of all the people in my life. My name is Lily, and this is a story, its not about me, its about all the people who contributed to me. My mother. My Father. My brother. My friends. My teachers. Everyone whose ever touched a part of my life, and thus changed something in me forever, for better or perhaps for worse. I am who I am because of the people around me. 

I am your words, I am your actions.

- Chapter. One.

“Dear god. I'm sorry. Please take me now.” I whispered to the quite darkness. I suppose its kind of crazy to talk to yourself, and disturbing to be asking for death to just please please take you out of your misery and come to take your soul. But then, what is sane these days anyway? The world has turned into a crazy place to be in. Have you been out in the streets lately, have you watched the news? 

Death, death, death is all around us and right now more than anything I want it to be around me.

I've done is again, you see, I have disappointed her, I did something wrong, like I always do. I dont quite remember what it was, but I'm sure it was my fault. I pick myself off the floor and go to the bathroom to examine myself in the mirror. Between the mess of tangled hair and tear streaks running down my checks I can see my dead tired eyes, I try to smile at my reflection, its going to be okay, I manage to look like an escaped asylum patient, crazy doesn't even begin to describe it. Especially with this baggy now torn t-shirt I'm wearing. 

My reflection winces, there's a bruise here and there I can see them, blue purple yellow colourful things running across my arm and some on my legs. I start undressing and get into the shower, its the best way to help with the pain you know, when your tears blend in with the running water, its a good place to hide as well, from the screaming I mean. 

After the shower she's still there and despite all my praying so am I. She smiles, its not a nice thing to look at believe me, its more like a spiteful smile, then she speaks and I feel like heading back into the shower and drowning myself in water. If god wont take me I'll do it myself. Her voice interrupts my suicidal thoughts

“Why wont you ever learn? When are you going to grow up, I cant keep doing this, Im getting old. What is wrong with you! I would get you professional help but we both know how that ended up, your just unstable.” 

She walks out, such a broken recorded, over and over again. Maybe I am insane? My mothers sure seems to think so. If I wasn't adopted id be wondering how the hell did I end up being her daughter, we're just so different. 

I sigh and get dressed, crawl into bed, and take refuge in a book, so I dont have to deal with any of this mundane drama. After an hour or so I look at the clock its 8 o'clock, their probably having dinner right now, but I dont want to see them or talk to them or eat with them or smile at them or do anything that has anything to do with them. Im tired, Im angry and my muscles ache... my soul aches. I feel broken and I dont want them to see how they broke me so, Im staying in my room under my sheets, reading my book for some mental relief and wait for morning to come and wash away my sins with it. Or maybe morning wont come and my prayers will be answered. 

--- I started this, and Ive been known to start things and never end them. I'm not sure what it is yet but I like it, and I hope I do finish it. Tell me what you think and your thoughts will be much appreciated. 

Xx